wishing, hoping, thinking, and praying

Picture dump

2011-10-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

20 weeks

21 weeks

2011-10-04T09:59:00.001-07:00

How far along: 21 weeks 3 days

Size of baby: 10.8 in 12.7 oz/ about the length of a banana

Total weight gain/loss: As of Sunday I'm at -8 lbs. How I'm doing that, I have no idea. Weekend before last I got really sick and lost another 2 lbs which put me at -10 but I've since gained it back. So really I've been holding steady at my current weight since my first trimester. I have talked to my dr about it and she says that it is perfectly fine since I was slightly overweight to begin with so I'm not worried about it. Im sure it won't last much longer though!

Maternity clothes: Here and there. I'm still able to get by wearing a belly band with my pre-pregnancy pants but I do have a pair of maternity pants that work too. Some of my longer pre-pregnancy tops still work too but Im also wearing a few maternity tops as well.

Gender: it's a boy!!! We had our gender ultrasound and the tech pretty much had no question in her mind that there was a little wiener there! Honestly it's taken me some time to get used to the idea but I'm getting more and more excited! I'll post pics in a few minutes since blogger has been giving me problems doing pics and text in one post.

Movement: finally!! This past Friday I finally felt little guy move for the first time! It was awesome! Movement really hasn't been consistent since then but I do feel him rolling around every once in a while and I love it!

Sleep: thankfully sleeping is still going great. I'm sleeping through the night with no issue. My only complaint is that I'm always hot but I can deal with that. :)

What I miss: I still miss sleeping on my back. Hubs is constantly waking me up and tell me to roll onto my side because I always end up there!

Cravings: not really anything. I've always been a thirsty person so it hasn't surprised me that I'm constantly wanting ice water. I don't even know I'd that counts as a craving though!

Pain: round ligament pain seems to be gone and the hip pain seems to be getting more sporadic. I've also been have random cramps in my side like after you run right after eating. Again though it's pretty sporadic and nothing I can't manage.

Best moment this week: My mom found a practically new stroller for $65 at a garage sale and for some reason seeing it made this all really real for the hubs!

Best comment of the week: several people have told me that I have "just popped" and other have said that I'm "all belly".

What I'm looking forward to: tomorrow we go and take a tour of a near by birthing center.

Milestones: Baby C is starting to add some fat and now is capable of rapid eye movement (REM).

17w5d continued

2011-09-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

***for some reason blogger won't post my pic and text in the same post.. So sorry about the multiple posts!***

How far along: 17 weeks 5 days

Size of baby: Around 5 inches long and weighs about 5 ounces. *however* at my last ultrasound my dr told me thy my baby is "huge" so I'm betting it's a little more than that.

Total weight gain/loss: I lost around 8 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. As of the beginning of the week, I have gained 1.5-2 of that back depending on the scale I use. We will see at my appt tomorrow.

Maternity Clothes: A while back I bought the Target brand belly band and it is the best thing I could have purchased! Since I only have one pair of pants left that fit it allows me to wear all of my work pants and jeans still. I have bought a couple of shirts since they were on sale and one pair of maternity pants that apparently I'm not big enough for yet.

Gender: We found out at the end of the month!! I have no idea what it is and hubby is positive that it's a girl.

Movement: Argh! This has been a big source of stress for me! It seems like everyone I talk to tells me how they had been feeling their baby move for weeks by now and I'm feeling nothing. I do know that it's completely normal for me to not feel it yet but it's just something for my anxiety to grasp hold of. Hopefully my fears will be put to rest at my appointment tomorrow.

What I miss: Sleeping on my back. I never realized how much I did that until I try not to do it anymore!

Cravings: I haven't really had any yet. It seems like once I have something I want once then that's the end of it.

Symptoms: *slight tiredness
*frequent urination
*painful sex :(
*sore boobs at night
*moodiness
*random pains on the left side of my pelvic area

Best moment this week: Having several people tell me that I look pregnant!

What I'm looking forward to: again, feeling baby move!

Milestones: Baby is becoming capable of hearing and reacting to sounds!

17w5d

2011-09-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

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17w5d

2011-09-07T18:43:00.000-07:00

Where I've been

2011-08-23T10:23:00.001-07:00

Man it's been a long time! I have had such a hard time with updating here. When I first started this blog I was sure that the minute I got pregnant I would be on here blogging all the time but apparently that's not the case. During the first trimester I was so exhausted all the time that all I did was go to work and sleep. Now that I finally have more energy every time I sit down to blog I start thinking about all of you girls that haven't gotten pregnant yet. I sit and think about you and know that this really isn't what you want to be reading about right now so I don't post anything. Honestly right after I got pregnant I dealt with a lot of guilt and even some depression. I felt so guilty that I got pregnant while so many others didn't. I had a really hard time even coming to grips with bring pregnant and bonding with my baby at all. I felt so disconnected with my own body and so unable to just be happy. I never ever thought that would be me though. I used to read about pregnant women feeling the same way after infertility but I just *knew* that would never be me. Obviously I was wrong.

Thank you to everyone who has checked up me. You girls are awesome. I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back to you. Hopefully I will be on here posting more updates more frequently.

6 weeks 5 days today!

2011-06-26T10:49:00.001-07:00

This past Friday we had our first ultrasound at the RE's. We got to see our sweet baby and his or her heartbeat!! The heartbeat was 114 and started bawling the minute I heard it... It was awesome. The thought that something that small has a heart that is beating and is living inside of me just blows me away. The dr said that if she goes by my last period I am 7 weeks but the baby is measuring at 6 weeks. She isn't concerned about it though because my follicles took a long time to mature so we ended up doing the IUI about a week late. They also did some blood work and found out that my thyroid is low again so they are upping the dose from 50mcg to 75mcg. It worries me a little but the nurse assured me that it is normal for women with thyroid issues to have to adjust their mess during pregnancy and that they would continue to keep a close eye on it. She wants to see me back in two weeks for another ultrasound and wants me to make an appt with my OBGYN for 4 weeks from now.

So far things have been going really well. My symptoms are pretty textbook so far.
*I'm pretty nauseous every morning until about 12:00 or 1:00. Luckily I haven't thrown up yet which I am extremely grateful for. I am having to get up a little earlier than normal so that I can eat breakfast first instead of waiting till I'm leaving like I normally do. Also my mom bought me some Sea bands which I think are helping but I'm not sure.
*Before I got pregnant I never ever woke up in the middle night. Now I get up between 3:00am to 3:05am every single morning to pee.
*I'm thirsty for water all the time.
*I'm feeling slightly moody but I'm trying really hard to reign that one it as I know that it's only going to get worse.

It's weird to me how different I feel emotionally about this pregnancy compared to the last one. Sometimes I have to work really hard at letting myself get excited but I supposed that's probably normal right? I just feel so much more logical this time around if that makes sense. Honestly it's hard to put it into words. Slowly though I'm adjusting to the idea that I'm allowed to be happy about this.

2nd beta

2011-06-14T21:24:00.001-07:00

I had my second beta today. My hcg is 1,581, which I am quite pleased with! The nurse said that is progressing beautifully. She also said that my progesterone was just above 15 and they want it to be at a 20 so they are having me increase the prometrium to 3 times a day. That has me a little concerned but she told me that it isn't anything that I should worry about.

I've been having some cramping today, which I know is normal at this point but it's so unnerving. I also know that it could be due to the low progesterone but I still can't stop wondering if this will end in a miscarriage. Tonight I saw a tiny speck of blood on the toilet paper so now I'm even more freaked out. I guess at this point I'm going to try and force myself to go to sleep... There really isn't anything else I can do right?

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Having anxiety

2011-06-13T10:45:00.001-07:00

It's so hard to describe what I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I feel so guarded about letting myself get excited and others I am dreaming of holding a baby. I've already had a meltdown about whether or not we can do this. It just seems like I can't really decide how I feel. Don't get me wrong, of course I'm beyond happy but I'm so scared too.

This morning I took another HPT in hopes of calming some of my anxieties. Below is the result. The top one is from Friday.

Results

2011-06-10T10:29:00.001-07:00

My nurse just called...I asked her to hold on a minute and when I came back I told her that I had stepped away from my desk. Her response was "why? You don't want everyone to hear that your pregnant?" and paused. It took me a minute and I started shaking once I realized she said I am pregnant!! She said the progesterone looks great and my beta was 366!!!!!
Honestly I think I'm in shock.. I don't even know what to feel other than elated right now!!

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Cautiosly optimistic

2011-06-10T04:23:00.000-07:00

Can I handle it?

2011-06-09T20:48:00.001-07:00

I know. I'm a really bad blogging friend. I tell you that I'm having follicle issues and then disappear for two and a half weeks. We did end up having the IUI with something like 60 million sperm so everything went well there. In the mean time I've been super busy. One of my little sisters got married out of state, hubs is having job issues, my boss is in an eternal bad mood, and I've had more than my fair share of family drama. I've also been using progesterone vaginally twice a day which I think I'm developing some kind of allergic reaction to. I dread each morning and night because I spend them irritated and itching like crazy in my lady parts, which isn't exactly sexy, let me tell you.
Anyway, I have actually been avoiding y'all. It feels like if I don't sit down the write about what's going on then I don't have to think about it or deal with it. In fact I have avoided the subject so much that I had a mini panic attack this afternoon when I suddenly realized that my beta is tomorrow morning. To say that I'm scared is a big understatement. For some reason I feel completely incapable of handling this right now. I don't feel like I can handle answering the questions from other people. I don't feel like I ca handle my husbands reaction, whatever it may be. I don't feel like I can handle not knowing what the future will hold for us. All I can do is pray that God will give me the strength to do all of that.
I will be testing on my own in the morning. If it wasn't for work I would just wait for the beta but I feel like I need to be able to prepare myself for a negative by myself. I'll let y'all know as soon as I can.

Late bloomers

2011-05-16T11:59:00.000-07:00

Today I had an ultrasound to check my follicles. Usually by CD12 I have several decent sized follicles so they tell me to come back in 48 hours for another check and then they schedule the insemination. Today I had one on the right side at 11 with several small ones and about 17 small ones on the left side that she didn't even bother to measure. She said that for some reason the 11 really jumped ahead of the others but she wants to give them some more time. So I go back on Thursday morning to check them again. The dr said that if they are still behind then she may put me on some more clomid. Part of me is happy because I am really hoping for a Saturday insemination so I won't have to miss any work but I definitely DON'T want to take anymore clomid. I have been on a freakin rollercoaster with my emotions this weekend!

Getting back on the wagon

2011-05-08T18:49:00.001-07:00

After another failed medicated cycle in March, the hubs and I decided that we would take the month of April off to work on ourselves. We started the 30 Day Shred together, cut way back on red meat, sweets and just tried to be healthier. Our goal in doing this was to lose a few pounds and know that when we did another treatment we would have done everything in our power to make it work. Of course the hubs has lost at least 6 pounds and I have lost none but that's no surprise is it? Thanks PCOS!

Anyway, this past Monday I had my pap and annual with my OBGYN. After her usual upbeat talk about how this would be the last time I would see her not pregnant she asked why I had not been put on Metformin yet. I told her that my RE doesn't use it to treat PCOS. According to her I should be on it from now until about 12 weeks into pregnancy. The problem is that she won't prescribe it to me while my RE is treating me. She asked me to talk to him about it and sent me on my way with wishes of luck.

So on Friday I started to spot and I called to report my day 1 for a Clomid/IUI cycle!! By Saturday morning when I went in for my baseline u/s any bleeding had completely spotted which had me really worried. Apparently though this is completely normal with PCOS and can be considered a period. So I had the u/s and have no cysts and my follicles look great. Once I sat up and was in a more dignified position (although I did have no underwear on) I asked him about the Metformin. He says that while there has been a study done that shows it to be beneficial there has also been another study done (which he gave me an article on) that shows that there really isn't a benefit unless the patient has glucose or insulin intolerance and that use during pregnancy should be left to the obstetrician. So he agree to test me so on Wednesday I will have a 2 hour Glucose tolerance test and we will go from there.

So there you have it... I'm back on the treatment wagon. Some days I feel super excited about it and some days I feel like there is no way this is going to work. Any prayers y'all can spare for me would be greatly appreciated! I have lots more to share so hopefully I'll be back soon :)

Updates

2011-03-19T08:50:00.001-07:00

Thank you for the comments on my last post. I really needed to get it out and honestly do feel better now. :) I also appreciate everyone being understanding about it and not getting upset.

Things around here have actually been pretty good for the most part! We just got finished moving my grandparents in with my mom and will moving ourselves at the end of the month. Hubs and I are going to be renting a small townhouse and my 20 yr old sister will be staying with us. Although moving is exhausting and hard I kind of like the fact that it forces you to go through all of your stuff, throw out things and do some deep cleaning. It's kind of like a fresh start!

In IF news the hubs has finally agreed that maybe IVF is worth going into debt over. The plan is to put it on a credit card and then pay it off fast. Since we both started new jobs this year we are planning on waiting until life settles down a little to start the process. Honestly part of me is putting it off because it scares the shit out of me. There are so many variables that go into it which makes it hard for me to wrap my brain around it. Sometimes it's easier to say I'll deal with it later than think about all the time money and emotions that go into it. I can't imagine doing all of that and then it failing. Any advice on how to emotionally deal with it all would be greatly appreciated! Also does anyone have any advice about how to help your husband understand it? I've tried to explain what all is involved but when I do I can see his eyes glazing over. :)

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Support

2011-03-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

Thank you for the comments on my last post! Sometimes it's good to hear that I'm not the only one who can't hold it together all the time! I ended up POASing that day and it was negative. Even though it was midday and not FMU I'm sure that it was accurate. The spotting and cramping stopped the next day so I chalk it up to my body just acting funky.

There is something that I have been wanting to post about for a while now but I haven't been sure whether this is the right place to do it. I do not want to hurt feelings or offend anyone but at the same time since it involves online friends I can't really talk to real life friends about it. I really need to get it off my chest though so I hope that those involved can understand that.

A while ago (as in years) I joined an online message board for TTC. I met a bunch of wonderful women there and learned a ton. There was a specific group though that I connected with and we soon broke off into our own group. There were eight women total who were all at different stages of TTC with me being the one who had been trying the longest. Fairly soon after that 4 got pregnant and 2 "dropped out". The four of us that were left have all had to deal with IF in one form or another. The three girls have all gone on to have successful IVFs and are either parenting or pregnant.
Now let me pause here and say that I am nothing but over the moon for these women! Seeing pictures of their babies brings a smile to my face because I know how hard their parents worked for them.
However, this doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to be the last one. When we started our group we all knew that one of us would eventually be the last girl standing and talked about it often. We even often talked about how there would be "no girl left behind"! We promised each other that we would be there to support each other no matter how long it took. Now that I am that girl I often think about how naive that was of us. Let's face it, when you are basking in the happiness of your pregnancy or baby you don't want to be reliving the sadness of IF through someone else. I would love to say that if it was the other way around I would give the girl left behind support but honestly i don't know that.
Part of me wants to blame these girls for the lack of support I have received from them. I mean I have supported them through IUIs, IVFs, and pregnancies, why can't they support me? But a bigger part of me can't blame them. Like I said before they are focused on other things.
Again I don't want anyone to take this post the wrong way. I have been thinking about this for a while now and have needed to get it off my chest. I love all these girls dearly and only wish the best for them. I have spent a lot of time praying for them and their bundles of joy and don't regret that at all.
I also want to say thank you to those of you that continue to keep up with me on Facebook and leave me comments on the few sporadic posts that I do write. I cherish those notes and sometimes read them several times.
All in all I think this had taught me to lean on myself a lot more. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for and I dont always need to run to someone with every little thing. And that's a good thing right? ;)

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2011-03-06T14:33:00.001-08:00

This is going to be random and out of the blue. Please excuse any errors and choppiness... Im not in the best frame of mind.
Six days ago on CD 21 started lightly spotting. For two days I spotted so lightly that it was only visible when I wiped after using the restroom. Since my doctor has told me in the past to count any sign of blood as day 1 (because of pcos) I went and picked up the femara and started it on day 3. My bleeding never got any heavier and was gone midway through day 3. Today (day 6) I started cramping and spotting again. Now I know that this is probably just another screwed up thing that my body is doing but I can't help my thoughts from running wild. In my crazy, anxiety ridden, infertile mind I can't help but to think that I was pregnant and took femara and am now miscarrying. I know that this is most likely not the case but it's like my mind is spinning around and around with the possibilites. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I have a normal body and not have to worry about things like this? I know that I'm not the only one who has a mind that does this. How do y'all keep from losing it?

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Opinions wanted!

2011-01-12T10:50:00.001-08:00

Gotta make this quick since im on my lunch at work...
This cycle i am back on Femara. (yay!) Today is CD9. I have been sick since Friday night with a bad virus. The dr has me on steroids and something for my cough. This morning when I pottied there was bright red blood on the TP. When I went again about an hour later there was still some but not as much as before. Now its down to brown spotting. I havent ever had any issues with break through bleeding on femara before. Should I just chalk it up to being sick and on meds? Anybody have any experience with this?

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New years eve

2010-12-31T22:50:00.001-08:00

The hubs and I went to my cousins house for new years eve. She and her husband were having a small family get together, just her (k), her husband, their two sons, my aunt and uncle, my mom and sisters, my other cousin and his wife (l) and their toddler.
Everything was going great. My cousin brought his brand new xb.ox k.inne.ct and everybody sat around and watched each other play. All of a sudden aunt, uncle, cousins and cousins spouses disappear into a room. I didn't think anything about it and continued playing with one of the kids. Then I see my mom crying so I follow her into the kitchen.
(you know where this is going right? Of course you do)
I ask mom what's going on and she says that she needs to tell me something. I say "someones pregnant right?" Her response is "both of them. Both unexpected too."
Of course mom is crying so I feel like I need to put on a brave face. I talk to her hug her, yadda yadda yadda.
Now let me insert here that I am very open about IF and my family is very sympathetic and supportive.
Anyway, I retreated to the bathroom and let a few tears fall. Mom comes and finds me, more hugs. I go out into the kitchen and both preggers, one cousin, and hubs suddenly stop talking and turn around to stare at me. It was like that was all I could physically take. Just knowing that they were there talking about me and feeling sorry for me was too much to handle. I held it together just long enough to hug them both and tell them congratulations and they said that they love me. Here's where is starts getting ugly. I tried to retreat to the bathroom again to collect myself but it was occupied. The closest room I could find was one of the little boys rooms so I slid in and shut the door. Once the tears starting rolling there was no stopping them. Wouldn't you know though that that's when cousin walked in to put his little boy to bed. He tried to tell me to stay but I practically ran out and retreated outside with everyone watching. At this point I was crying just as much from embarrassment as from the announcements.
A few minutes later hubs came out and hugged me while I cried. He told me that if it would make me feel better that we could put another iui on our credit card. I changed the subject though because I dont want to make decisions like that being so emotional. Anyway, he eventually got me calmed down and we walked back in the house holding hands and laughing. Luckily everyone pretended like nothing happened and the evening went on as normal.
Honestly I love my family so much and really am happy for them. I want nothing but good things for them and their pregnancies. It just hurts because it's something that I can't have. I can't have a surprise pregnancy or an oops baby. I can't say well if it happens then it happens. I might never be able to get and stay pregnant. I might never have a child. And honestly? That freakin breaks my heart.

*if you made it this far, thank you. It helps to know that your out there reading this. I do apologize though for how jumbled I'm sure this post is. In my defense though it is almost 1am after a very emotional night.*

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Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

Nevermind

2010-12-07T17:11:00.000-08:00

I stopped by the dollar store on my way home and they were out of OPKs. So instead of driving out of my way to try another store I decided to take it as a sign.

"relaxing" and not worry about it is supposed to be what taking a break is about right? That is possible... Right??

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Maybe?

2010-12-07T11:16:00.001-08:00

It's CD20 on an unmedicated cycle and my CM is pretty "wet" and plentiful. It certainly isn't eggwhite but it's pretty rare for me to get that. Also my cervix is pretty open.

Could it be?!? Could I actually be ovulating on my own?? Or does my body just hate me that much to fake me out like that?

I will definitely be stopping by the dollar store on the way home for some OPKs because you know I can't just let it go. :)

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Finally!

2010-11-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

Dang it's been a long time. Other than life being busy my only excuse is that my laptop broke. I left it plugged into the wall and one of the puppers tripped on the cord causing it to do a 360* dive off the table. One side is completely crushed and unrepairable. I do have access to my sister's computer since we are still staying with my mom but I don't like leaving my blog address in her history.

Luckily a good friend clued me in on how easy it is to blog from your phone so hopefully I will be able to post more! Since it's been so long I think the easiest way to catch up is bullets.

• thank you so much to those that checked up on me! It means so much to me!

• Still not pregnant obviously. We have tried two medicated cycles since my last iui. This month the hubs asked that I not take any meds so we are officially on break.

• The week of Thanksgiving was hard. I miscarried the day before t-day last year so it brought back a lot of memories. However I think that I was able to work through it and enjoy myself despite being around tons of family with babies.

• By the end of this year the hubs and I will have paid off around $17,000 of credit card debt! This will make us debt free minus my car! Staying with my mom for longer than previously planned has really allowed us to pay it down fast without struggling in other areas.

• According to the hubs fertility treatments will be "revisited" in the new year once the credit cards are paid off. This actually gives me some hope since it's not an all out no.

• Somewhere deep down I have this feeling that it will take ivf for us to get pregnant. This scares the crap out of me because I can't imagine my husband agreeing to it.

• I am currently interviewing for a job as a receptionist for an optometrist. If I get the job it would end up being a slight pay cut but i think I would enjoy it much more and it would give me some more experience in the medical field. I already interviewed with the office manager and am waiting for her to call me with a time to meet the head dr.

• If anyone knows of a blog or two where they are in thr same position as me (ei no treatment due to money and/or spouse disagreement) I would appreciate you pointing me their way. It seems like most of the girls I follow are now pregnant or parenting (which is fabulous!) and I think it's time to search out some new blogs.

I'm really excited to get back to blogging... I miss you girls!

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Losin' my ever-lovin' mind

2010-09-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

Today is 10dpiui and day 8 of the progesterone.

I am having some serious side effects/symptoms/pms.

My boobs feel like rocks. They are swollen, heavy and unbelievably sore. The problem is that them being this swollen just makes hubs want to touch them more.
I have horrible gas. My stomach was so bloated from gas this morning that I had to unbutton my pants at work. Luckily, I was wearing a long top that covered it.
I am so so hormonal. Everyone around me irritates me no matter what they do. Last night hubs and are were arguing and it felt like he just wasn't listening to what I was saying. I had a bad ugly cry. By the time I was done I had mascara all over my face. Then I felt fine like nothing had happened.
I have cramps. They seem to come and go but are definitely worse when I do something like lean forward in my chair.
I am exhausted. All the time.

This is all making feel crazy because all of these symptoms could be side effects of the progesterone. They could also be PMS, in fact for me, they are all good signs that AF is coming. It really sucks to know that it could be either one. ARGH! I just want to know one way or another.

Beta is on the 15th... I'm fairly certain that I won't make it that long...

Tidbits

2010-08-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

Last Monday I hit a parked car and totaled my car. I looked at my radio for a second and never saw it coming. Luckily it was a super old, paid off car but my pride was/is definitely hurt.

Thursday evening I bought a car. I went in having no clue what I wanted. My biggest dilemma was whether or not to get something that would fit a car seat and stroller. I hated that I had to consider that since who knows when it will happen, but I'm the kind of person that drives a car for forever so I had to think about it. I ended up buying a black 2009 Dodge Journey. I didn't think that I would end up with something so new but it was a great deal. So far, I'm really liking it.

Saturday night I gave myself my trigger shot. My mom and sister were horrified.. :)
This morning we had the IUI. The Hub's "sample" was excellent according to the dr. He said that look for over 10 million and hubs had 70 million! He ended up having to leave before the actual IUI to go to work. I had the IUI and the dr said everything looked good.
I took the day off work today. My boss was NOT happy about it but I really wanted to be able to relax today. I know that they say that it's not necessary to take it easy or anything but in my crazy mind it is...
My beta is Sept. 15... I dunno but that seems like an awfully long time away....

The Appointment Part 2

2010-08-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm going to have to give a little back story for this one...
Since I was about 17 I have suspected that I have thyroid issues. Besides having basically all of the symptoms, almost all of the women in my family have had some kind of thyroid issue. Every time I have had it checked I have been told that while it's slightly elevated it's still within in the normal range. A few years ago I started getting comments from my mom, aunt, grandma, etc about one of the glands in my neck looking swollen. Around that time I ended up at my primary dr for something else when she mentioned the same thing. She sent me for an ultrasound. Again, slightly abnormal but still not enough to treat it.

Ever since we have been trying to have a baby I have been worried about my thyroid being one of the issues so I have been really pushing my PCP to treat me for it. About a month ago I had another ultrasound that was once again irregular but "nothing to worry about". This time I called the nurse and asked her to check with my dr about treating me for it anyway. The nurse made me feel so stupid for even asking, saying things like "why would you want to be on medicine if you don't need it.. I don't understand" that I just let it go.

Fast forward to today. I got a call from the RE's office letting me know that my results from my thyroid bloodwork were back. The dr wants to start me on medication immediately. I asked if this could have been effecting my fertility this whole time and her answer was "of course".

While I am relieved that something is finally being done about this, I am pissed that it has taken this long. I know my body and I knew that there was something wrong but no one would listen to me. Aside from the whole affecting my fertility issue (which obviously really pisses me off) there are other things that are upsetting. I have spent the past few years feeling like I can never get enough sleep. I am always exhausted and can hardly ever make it through a movie with the hubs without falling asleep. Also I have been working my ass off at a bootcamp for 4 weeks in the 100 plus degree weather and have seen no results. No weight or inches lost.

I'm just pissed. I'm trying to figure out what I am going to say when I call my PCP and request to have the dr call me directly. Any suggestions?

The Appointment Part I

2010-08-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

I have two slightly big things to talk about so I'm going to go ahead and do two separate posts today

Yesterday morning I had an appointment with the RE. It was the same clinic I've been to but a different dr. This was the dr that I saw when I was miscarrying. It was the day before Thanksgiving and she was on her way out of town when I called. She agreed to stay late to see me so needless to say I really like her. I made the appointment because hubs really felt it was important for us to have a plan before we start cycling.

Basically we went over my options, IUI with Clomid, IUI with injectables and IVF. Her recommendation is that we try IUI with Clomid two more times. She thinks that the risk of multiples (esp. triplets) is too high with injects if I respond well to Clomid. She also said though that it was completely up to us. If we decided we wanted to do the injects we could and if we decided we wanted to do IVF we could do that too. She also looked at my blood work from last year and reran my thyroid functions.

The dr spent a lot of time asking about everything that we have tried. She kept saying that she knew that me and my body have been through a lot. It was actually nice to hear her say that. I think sometimes I feel like what I'm doing shouldn't feel hard because I'm not doing monitored treatments. To have her say it almost validated my feelings.

Tonight, Hubs and I sat down and discussed everything. I showed him the chart that she showed me with success rates, costs, and risks. After talking we think that we will be going with the dr's recommendation and doing the IUI with Clomid. Now we are just waiting for me to start my period, which should be any minute now.

While this appointment made me excited to be starting treatments again, I'm also a little sad. Two more IUIs before IVF is not very much. To know that it's coming down to that is scary.

Might get to start treatments soon!!

2010-08-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

I called my RE and another local clinic today. For some reason I have had a really hard time just making the call. I have said that I was going to get this done for over a week and have just been putting it off. When I finally did it today, I had knots in my stomach the whole time. Weird huh?

Hubs and are really starting to feel like it's time to be more aggressive. (really I've always felt this way but I think that he is finally starting to come around!) I called the other clinic today because I wanted to do some price comparisons. This clinic charges about the same for an IUI but they charge $300 for the initial visit. I called my regular RE and they said that although I don't really need to make an "initial visit" appointment, if I wanted to come in and talk to the dr first they would use wrong diagnosis codes so they my insurance would cover it. Honestly, that kind of ruled out the other RE right away. :)

I also asked about the price difference between an IUI with Clomid and an IUI with injectables. Lately I have really been thinking about asking about doing injects just because I really want to be more aggressive. However, there's a much bigger difference in the prices than I thought. A Clomid IUI is $950 (not including meds) and a injectable IUI is $1550 (not including meds). Apparently difference is that there is more blood work included with the injects cycle. And lets not forget how expensive injectables are when you have to self-pay.

When I talked to mom about it she just about sent out an email to all our family asking for donations right then and there. :) Not sure how I feel about that but she definitely thinks it's a valid option.

I haven't gotten to talk to Hubs about it. Our work schedule vary so much right now that it'll have to wait until tomorrow. It totally wouldn't surprise me though if he shot down the more expensive option right away. Baby steps right? :)

**Totally off subject but Mic at IFCrossroads is having her baby girl tomorrow!! I'm so excited for her! Go give her some love and wish her luck!

July 27, 2010

2010-07-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

Had life gone differently, I would either be holding my sweet baby or eagerly awaiting their arrival.

Today was my estimated due date for my baby. July 27, 2010.

I am trying very hard to only think about the fact that I was blessed with that life even though it was so short. Yesterday and today have been hard, of course and I have definitely had my moments of tears. This was not how things were supposed to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear sweet Baby C,

I miss you so much! You were only with us for a very short time but you brought your Daddy and I more joy than you know. Those few days that we knew about you were wonderful. You touched our lives in a way that we could never have imagined. I can't wait to see you in Heaven some day. Until then I hope that you know how much we love you.

Love, your Momma

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I miscarried I thought that we would for sure be pregnant again by now. That just makes it hurt that much more.

Substance Award

2010-07-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

This lovely award is from Lucky Jones at Happy High Heels! Thank you girlie! Don't know that my blog has much substance these days but I'll take it! ;)

The Rules for Acceptance of this Award are fairly simple:

Thank the blogger who bestowed the Award on you.

Sum up your blogging experience, philosophy and motivation in five (5) words.

Pass the Award on to 10 deserving bloggers.

Hmmm... I guess my five words would have to be education, therapy, infertility, support and faith. The blogging community has provided me with all of these!

So, here are my 10 Nominees:

Noelle @ The Desire of my Heart (If you have a sec you should click over here and give this lady some love.. she could really use it!)
All the ladies @ House of Dolls
Samantha @ And Baby Will Make Three
Robin @ Looking for My Keys
Emmy @ Yes We're One of THOSE couples (who just found out she's preggers!!)
Sarah @ Sarah's Life
Junebug @ Junebug's Musings
Mic @ ifcrossroads
Alison @ The Privileged Infertile
Carrie @ Bumpsalongtheway

Happy things!

2010-06-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a rough one. I was ovulating and my heart just wasn't in it. I was feeling hopeless and depressed. Honestly, I think that after 2 1/2 years it pretty normal for me to feel like this every once and a while but I know myself and know that if I let it a little depression will pull me down fast like quicksand. So, I thought I'd share a few things that kept me at bay from the loony-bin and a smile on my face.

Orly nail polish in Charged Up
I actually bought this weekend before last but every time I looked down at my toes I felt a little happy. :) I almost didn't "splurge" the whole $4.50 since I had just bought clothes but I'm so glad I did!

Marbled Cheesecake Brownies

My mom made these for me and really do I need to say any more? ;)

Hubs fixed the jets in my mom's tub

(We are staying with her but more on that later) We decided to put a TON of bubble bath in a turn the jets on. It was C-R-A-Z-Y! This pic was taken after I cleaned up a bathroom full of bubbles. (Oh and the Smirnoff's didn't hurt either ;)

These two lovies

These two are always there for me, no matter what. They know when I need snuggles and when I need to laugh. I love them so much!

Jax

2010-06-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since I last updated so hopefully tonight I will write a few posts and catch up some!

One of the oldest updates is the newest member of our family, Jax (pronounced Jacks). The hubs and I had been thinking about getting another dog for a while. We wanted one more for Jade then us since she was spending quite a bit of time alone. I really wanted another Boston Terrier but hubs vetoed "buying" a dog. He said it was silly since there are so many dogs out there that need homes. My only requirement was that the dog was female and small-ish. We spent months visiting shelters and perusing website but could never find "the one".

After basically giving up hubs called me at work and said that one of his coworkers had found a puppy in a graveyard and couldn't keep it. They sent me a picture and although he was cute I immediately said no when I found out he was male. (I have had horrible experiences with male dogs that pee all over the house all the time.) They then proceeded to send me picture after picture with captions about what a sweet puppy he is. After two hours of arguing, I gave in with the condition that hubs tell them we would take him on a trial basis for the weekend and if it didn't work out they would take him back.

I then took Jade up the hub's restaurant to pick up the puppy. As soon as I got there the lady said "Oh look! Here's your new mommy!" and I knew hubs had never said anything to them about a trial. So I took the poor thing home and tried to reassure him. He was terrified! For the first three days he did nothing but sleep, pee and eat. He was so sickly that one time he peed on the couch in his sleep and didn't even notice. We took him to the vet and everything checked out so we just figured he was malnourished.

Those first days were pretty bad. He was obviously sick and honestly, I was tired of cleaning up after him. Things seemed like they got a little better after a while and then they went down hill again. All of a sudden he was peeing everywhere and all the time. We are talking waking up to pee 3 times in the middle of the night and peeing a ton every time. At some point he peed on our bed twice and we ended up at the vet again. They did all kinds of tests including bloodwork and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a slightly enlarged kidney and the bloodwork showed signs of Canine Leptospirosis. Without going into too much detail it cause the kidneys to not absorb any water and it's contagious to humans. After a ton more tests, a negative lepto test and lots of vet visits thing started getting better. To this day neither us or our vet know what was originally wrong. I do know though that we didn't even have to potty train him after he started getting better, he just never had any accidents.

To make a long story short, we had a rough start but he's fitting right in with out family! :)
Here are a few pictures of the little man...

This him at the vet. Poor baby was only 7lbs at 4-6 months old.

He loves to sleep with his head hanging over things. Weirdo...

It's really hard to get decent pictures of him since he is so black and so hyper! So this is pretty much all I have. This is from today...

**edited to add: Don't know what's going on with Blogger but my spacing is completely different than how I arranged it... hope it's readable!**

Knew that would do it

2010-05-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

In this past couple of days I have done everything I could to make my period start. I know you can't technically "make" your period start but everyone know that there are some things that the minute you do them, you start. For instance:

I have taken a pregnancy test. It seems like whenever I do this I start that day.
I have had sex with the hubs. If AF is on the way then this always starts the spotting.
I have worn white underwear.
I have worn white underwear with a skirt.
I have worn no underwear to bed.

All that brought me nothing, nadda, so I knew I had to bring out the big guns.

I bought freakin $8 pregnancy tests.
I shared my feelings about hoping I was pregnant and being late with not only my mom but with yall. It seems like everytime I let someone else know that I am hoping and thinking I'm pregnant, I get my period and feel like an idiot.

Well, that did it ladies. I knew it would. At 4am my dog woke me up cause he apparently had to pee. I stood up and felt a huge gush.

Now I get the pleasure of returning those stupid $8 tests. Whoop-ee.

Maybe, Maybe not...

2010-05-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

I friggin hate this! Every month I know I'm pregnant, get all kinds of symptoms, take a test, and get my period. Every month like clock work. That's where I am this month and I want your opinions.
Here are the facts:

This was a medicated cycle.
Today is CD 32.
Fertility Friend says my average cycle is 30 days, shortest cycle is 25 days and longest is 36 days.
I don't have a definite ovulation day because I didn't want to use OPKs this month.
I tested on Saturday (CD29) and on Sunday(CD30) and got a negative both times.
I have not had any spotting.

Here are the gray areas (gonna talk about poop so skip this is your squeamish):

I have had some cramping but nothing consistent. A few days ago, I actually thought something might be wrong because I was having sharp pains on the right side of my pelvic area. The pains have stopped but if I do something like sit forward in my chair things feel "tight" in that area. Every once in a while a have a cramp and then it goes away.
My boobs, oh gosh, my boobs! I almost smacked the hubs when he grabbed them. The sides are super sore and my nipples are real sensitive. This happened when I got pregnant but also sometimes happens with my period.
The last couple of days when I poop there is a lot of pressure. I'm not constipated but when I push I feel a lot of pressure not only in my bottom but in my pelvic area too. Today, I have pooped every couple of hours.
Usually when I am about to start I feel ravished all the time, now I just feel normal hunger at meal times.

So my plan was to test again on Saturday so that if it was negative I would have to day to hibernate if I want. When I came home I realized that I didn't have any sticks so I picked some up while I was picking up my prescriptions. The problem is since them I have been thinking about it nonstop and am now thinking that if I test tomorrow and it's positive I could talk the dr into doing a beta and have the results before the weekend. Gah! Why do I do this to myself???

So, opinion? Should I test tomorrow? Should I test Friday? Saturday? Have you had this poop problem before (pregnancy or nonpregnancy related)? Help me ladies!!

The one where I try to lay it all out there

2010-05-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

So yeah, it's been a while. Like over a month. To be honest, I've been avoiding you, all of you. Avoiding my blog, avoiding your blog, avoiding Project IF, and avoiding LFCA.

I've been avoiding Project IF because that would mean that I would have to look at the questions that make me uncomfortable. I would have to look at the possibility that I might never have a child.

I have been avoiding LFCA and your blogs because I'm jealous of you. I'm not only jealous of those of you who are and have recently become pregnant but I'm jealous of those of you who are pursuing treatment. Right now I am taking Femara and that's it. We have no plans of trying IUIs again or anything else. Because we got pregnant once with just Femara, the hubs thinks that there is no reason for us to do anything else. So while I know it sounds stupid, I'm jealous of those of you who are having surgery, getting ultrasounds, and doing IUIs and IVF.

Lastly, I've been avoiding my blog because it's just easier that way. Every time I sit down to write something I come up with nothing. I just sit there and stare at the computer. Like I said, it's just easier.

All of these things pretty much come down to me avoiding my feelings about infertility. It's become easier for me to either turn off my feelings or not share them with anybody. That way I don't have to deal with them. Just have to walk through my life stuffing my feelings down.

So, I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting on your post, I have been reading them though. I've been a crappy bloggy friend. At this point I can only do so much but I'm gonna try harder.

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

2010-03-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about excuses for a minute, shall we?

You see, I am the master of excuse-making.
Why didn't I do any house work all week?
Why am I always running late?
Why did I eat a whole bag of Reeses Pieces?

I can give you a million excuses right off the top of my head.

"I was too tired, duh..."
"I planned on doing it tomorrow..."
"I got too busy..."
"I must have slept through my alarm..."
"I didn't have a big dinner..."
"It's just a one time thing..."

My biggest one, however, is why I have let my weight get out of control and more importantly why I NEVER exercise. Some of my excuses for the first are valid... infertility and PCOS for example. The latter though? Not so valid. The excuses range anywhere from "I have to get home to let my dogs out" and "I'm in the 2 week wait so I don't want to exert myself just in case I'm pregnant". Yeah, not so valid reasons. The really sad part is that my employer pays for me to have a gym membership to a very nice gym. Pathetic huh? I just can't get myself there. After work all I want to do is go home and there is no way in h*ll I'm getting up at 5am to go.

So on my way home from work today, I stopped by Target and bought this on a whim...

Now I have no excuse. I can exercise at home, take my dogs out, don't have to worry about the weather, and it only takes 20 minutes.

So, today was day 1 and let me tell you that Jillian kicked my butt. Seriously. It was intense, hard and tiring. My body is WAY out of shape. By the time I was done I was drenched in so much sweat I couldn't sit anywhere and had to shower immediately. An hour and a half later my legs were still shaking.

I'm feeling pretty dang good that I made it all the way through. Now if I can just keep it going I will be feeling even better. :)

Courage

2010-03-15T17:41:00.000-07:00

My boss sends out daily emails with a inspirational quotes. They are usually pretty stupid and I typically skip over them. Today's, though, reminded me of all you girls.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
Mary Anne Radmacher

Sometimes I think that women who are struggling with infertility think of themselves as weak, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. You are all so strong. You all get up every morning and live your lives even though infertility is hanging over your head every second of the day. You are brave and courageous. Don't ever forget that.

Sicky

2010-03-11T16:25:00.000-08:00

I hope this doesn't come out choppy... I'm hopped up on drugs and not thinking too clearly... If it does, I'm sorry!

After I typed my last post I spent the afternoon and evening lying on the couch feeling like I *might* be getting sick. Did the same thing all day Sunday after POAS, getting a negative and NOT getting my period.
I went to work on Monday with a pretty sore throat but since I didn't have any other symptoms I thought it might just be bad allergies. By Monday night I had no voice, was exhausted, and still had no period symptoms.
Tuesday morning I POAS since I still had no symptoms and got a negative. I felt horrible and contemplated calling in to work but since I had a meeting scheduled for Thursday to talk about my getting a raise I decided to make myself go. I spent the whole time I was getting ready with tears rolling down my face because I felt so awful. It's pretty common for me to cry when I don't feel good so I didn't think anything of it.
While I was at work I started hacking up a storm and felt a gush. Honestly I thought I had just had some pee-leakage (kinda common for me). However when I got to the restroom, much to my surprise my underwear was full of mucus and bright red blood.
This is so not common for me. I always have a couple of days of awful PMS and spotting as a warning. I have never once bled through my panties like most women.
Anyway, back to Tuesday, I just went to my boss and was honest and told her that I would have to go home to clean up and change. Since that would give me an occurrence anyway (stupid) and I was sick I would just stay home. By Tuesday night I had a very low-grade fever and body aches.
I called in Wednesday and ended up at the doctor. She tested for strep throat and H1N1. Thankfully I have neither. Just a severe sinus infection .
So, I've been sick since Saturday and have yet to start feeling better. I'm bored and lonely (hubs works evenings and nights). The only upside is that I'm down to just barely spotting now. Lovely huh?

Feeling Betrayed

2010-03-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

Today is CD30 on a medicated cycle. I have no period, no cramps, no spotting, no pms, no sore boobs, nadda. Should be good news right? It would be if the test I took this morning wasn't negative.

**please don't tell me that there is still hope, I know that... however, it doesn't help.

It's not even the negative that gets to me so much. I'm getting pretty used to that. It's the fact that I work so hard at not getting my hopes up. I don't even test until I'm late. I work so hard at it and my body works just as hard to make me get my hopes up. Would a little pms or spotting be too much to ask for? Really?

I'm just tired. Tired of being betrayed by my body. Tired of this shit.

Bloggy Makeover!

2010-02-18T16:56:00.000-08:00

Guess who got a new blog design???

If your reading this on your Reader go ahead and click over.

C'mon! You know you wanna!!

Isn't it pretty?? I L-O-V-E it!

My good friend, Alison, over at the Privileged Infertile did it for me. If you've been thinking about a makeover for your blog you should really look at some of her work! I really didn't give her a whole lot to go on as far as what I wanted but she seemed to get it since she hit it on the nail! You can check out her pricing here. You can also view some other blogs she's done at This Giggly Girl.

And even if you aren't interested in her work you should go over and offer her a hug. She recently found out her 2nd IUI didn't work and well, you ladies know how that goes...

Big Vent

2010-02-11T15:45:00.000-08:00

Change of plans... I need to get this out.

Today my close cousin delivered her second baby within two years. Both babies were conceived with contraceptives and both about 3 months before they planned on starting to try. In fact, this is how all of the women in my family are. F-E-R-T-I-L-E Myrtles. Anyway, back to today.

I have done really well with accepting it and being happy for her. I love her little girl and know that I will love this baby boy. It isn't her fault that I'm infertile and it isn't her fault that she's as fertile as they come. I may not be "cool" with it but I will be ok.

What I'm not ok with is what this is doing to the people closest to me. For instance, I had planned to go see the baby today with my mom until she called and said she couldn't. She told me that she had spent the day crying because she hurt for me. She said that she couldn't go hold that perfect baby knowing that it should be my turn.

That kills me. It kills me because she feels that way because of me.

I know that it was not her intention to make me feel bad and I know that it's natural for her to hurt over this. However, I HATE the idea that she is feeling pain because of me. MY problems are hurting those around me. All this time that I have been crying to her and letting my true colors out, I could have been sparing her from that pain. I need to learn to keep it to myself. Just because I have to hurt doesn't mean those around me do.

2010-02-10T18:10:00.000-08:00

Life is busy... I'm doing my best to keep up with yall's blogs but I'm definitely falling behind. I'm sorry!! Hopefully I'll be back soon!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-27T13:54:00.001-08:00

**Thanks for all the well wishes! I'm not quite better but I'll live.**

2010-01-24T19:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sick with some kind of stomach bug. Boo. I feel like I need to throw up all the time. I'm sure if I was a normal person I would be barfing, but noooooooooooooooooo. I NEVER throw up, EVER. I think the last time I did was about 5 years ago and that was only because I was given codeine which I'm allergic to. Before that? Who knows.... I just want some relief, is that too much for a girl to ask for??

New haircut!

2010-01-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

I splurged a bit this weekend and got my hair cut! It's amazing what such a little thing can do for your self esteem!

My necklace

2010-01-05T18:28:00.000-08:00

Right after my miscarriage I knew that I wanted to get something to remember the baby with, preferably some kind of jewelry. I looked for a couple of weeks but I couldn't find anything that "spoke" to me. I looked at every possible store online but everything was obviously for a miscarriage. I didn't want something that would cause people to ask questions and never named the baby so I didn't want anything engraved. I started to feel almost frantic about not having anything.
I have a necklace with a heart charm on it that hubs gave me while we were engaged. It always reminds me of him and how much he loves me. I ended up make a charm myself to go on the same necklace. I figure it was fitting to have a charm for hubs and a charm for the baby on the same chain.

The color of the bead is the birthstone for November. Technically, the my EDD was in July but we conceived in November, found out we were pregnant in November, and miscarried in November so it seemed fitting.

My favorite part is that most of the time, the charm sits snugly in the middle of the heart. :)

I'm here!!

2010-01-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

I've missed you girls! It's been so long that I'm gonna have to go bullet style on ya!

Thank you so much for all the support you've given me lately. I have gotten comments, emails, facebook messages and even a real-life snail mail package. Even though I don't always reply right away, they remind me that I am not going through this alone. Here is the angel ornament that I received from Lucky Jones:

(It says "Watch over us")

I know that it's technically a Christmas ornament but it's sitting on top of my TV even those all the decorations are packed away. :) Thank you again, hun!

Emotionally, I'm doing pretty good, if I do say so myself! Of course I have bad moments and whole bad days but I feel like I have accepted loosing my baby. I can't regret that moment in my life, it brought me so much happiness. Our baby was only alive for a few weeks but it was a baby none-the-less. I know that they will be waiting in heaven to greet me.

I started a new position within the same company this past week. It isn't a huge step up from my former position, but it's something. So far, I'm enjoying it. This is actually I haven't been around, blogging or commenting. I used to do the majority of it at work (shhh!) but with the new position I can't. Not only is my computer way out in the open but I'm just way too busy. I'm going to try to do better to keep up with everyone, really.

Hubs and I are doing good. He is working a ton and I feel like I'm seeing him less than usual but we're making do with what we have.

Our Christmas and New Year were both good. We pretty much spent 100 % of our Christmas time off with family and had a quiet New Year's Eve at home.

Lastly, after seriously convincing myself that I was pregnant AF arrived this morning full force. The pms this time around is miserable and I can't believe hubs is willing sitting here with me after all the bitching that has taken place. I am bleeding hard, and cramping and passing more clots than normal (leftover from the miscarriage?). I'm exhausted, hungry, cranky, crampy and emotional but over all happy that she is here so we can move on.

Look for a post (hopefully tomorrow?) about the necklace I wear now!

2009-11-27T21:52:00.000-08:00

I have started this post a billion times and I delete it every time. Somehow no post seems to convey my feelings, or seem eloquent enough for the situation. And honestly, it just hurts to bad to try and relive the things that happened on Wednesday. Hopefully I will be able to. Just not now, not while I am just trying to make it through the day.

On Wednesday I began to miscarry my baby. The baby that I loved with my entire being. The baby that brought joy not only to me and my husband but to everyone close to us.

I know that I only knew about that baby for 4 days but the things is, that was MY baby. I loved that baby from the minute it was conceived and I will love that baby until I die.

Wednesday was probably the hardest day I have ever lived so far. I actually remember saying that I felt like I was dying inside. But, I made it through. Made it through Wednesday, made it through Thursday and in one minute I will have made it through Friday. I will make it, I just need some time.

Update of all updates

2009-11-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint..."
Psalms 6:1-2

So, yeah, it's been a while. I have been trying really hard to not focus on all the bad aspects of infertility and not blogging seemed to help with that. I did take Femara this cycle so that I would actually have some type of chance though. The 2 week wait has actually been pretty good. I did have one fairly bad breakdown. I started having some cramps and was feeling VERY emotional. Since that day I have been tired, emotional, and hungry all the time with super sore boobies which is pretty normal AF symptoms for me. The thing is as of this morning (CD 34-4 days late) I hadn't started or had any spotting. So I went to the dollar store and picked up some cheapies. Here are the results from this morning:

Because the dye is smeared in the first one and the second line in the second one is so faint I had myself convinced that they were both evap lines or false positives. I sat around for hours until I finally woke hubs up to look at them. He said that he saw the lines but wasn't going to believe it until he saw something more definitive. At that point I took some pics of them and sent them to some girlfriends who are also struggling with IF. After a long lovely shower with the hubs ;) I got an email back saying that I needed to get my butt to the store to get a FRER. Hubs left for work and I left for the grocery store.

After paying for the tests I went straight to the bathroom and POAS(yes I POAS in a public bathroom :). This is what I got without even using FMU:

That's right ladies!! I am pregnant!

So, I drove over to Hub's work and had him meet me in the parking lot. I handed him the test and started hysterically laughing. I would say "I'm pregnant" and he would say "No your not" between giggles. He kept saying that we didn't know until I went to the doctor and I kept saying "but I KNOW!" We hugged and I cried, I'm sure we looked a bit weird. I think it is going to take some time for him to adjust to the idea, but I know that he is happy. EEEE!

After about 22 months of TTC, The Lord has answered my prayers. God is so good.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever."
Psalms 107:1

What faith can do

2009-10-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

In the car, on my way home from work today, I was contemplating why it is that I, of all people, got stuck with IF. I was passing by a bus stop and watching a mom struggle to cross the street with her toddler and infant in a shopping cart. All I could think was "Why the hell does she get to have babies and not me? I'm sure I would be a better mother than her!" That's when I heard myself. Seriously?!? Was I really judging someone I knew nothing about? Is that what IF has done to me? So, I turned on the local christian radio station in hopes of hearing something a little more encouraging than the pop music I was listening to. Then, I said a prayer. Just a short prayer asking God to help me change my attitude. That was when this song came on the radio..

"What Faith Can Do" by Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

It was just what I needed to hear.

2009-10-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, hot flashes, how I loathe you...

Jade reads your blogs too!

2009-10-14T18:48:00.000-07:00

2009-10-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

So, where have I been? hmmm... Actually, I've been right here. I have still been reading your blogs, just not really commenting and really not posting. For some reason, words have seemed to escape me. I think about posting something all the time, but when it comes down to it, nothing. That's kind of how I have been feeling all around lately. Just kind of "eh". A little empty. It's no surprise, really. I am doing my best to maintain my sanity while playing an endless waiting game. So, sometimes I'll be here and sometimes I won't. Easy peasy.

Love you girls!

An Award

2009-10-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

Thank you Robin for the award!

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award

4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? arm-rest

2. Your hair? Red

3. Your mother? Amazing

4. Your father? Unnecessary

5. Your favorite food? cheese

6. Your dream last night? dunno

7. Your favorite drink? coke

8. Your dream/goal? Pregnancy

9. What room are you in? Livingroom

10. Your hobby? reading

11. Your fear? barren

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? SAHM

13. Where were you last night? Gym

14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. Wish list item? Pregnancy

17. Where did you grow up? Here

18. Last thing you did? Worked

19. What are you wearing? T-shirt

20. Your TV? old

21. Your pets? adorable

22. Friends? diverse

23. Your life? blessed

24. Your mood? eh

25. Missing someone? hubs

26. Vehicle? granny-mobile

27. Something you’re not wearing? bra :)

28. Your favorite store? target

29. Your favorite color? pink

30. When was the last time you laughed? afternoon

31. Last time you cried? morning

32. Your best friend? hubs

33. One place that I go to over and over? toilet :)

34. One person who emails me regularly? facebook

35. Favorite place to eat? Bei-Fang

As soon as I post this I will start a post on where I've been.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait! It's Super Sperm!

2009-09-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

While Hubs and I were shopping last weekend, we stopped by the Halloween store that just opened up. To my surprise this is what I found:

Super Sperm

"Description:No one will believe that you entered the party as Super Sperm this year. This bulging white bodysuit is padded with muscles in the arms and legs. A long snake-esque tail, dome shaped headpiece and white gloves are also included. Plus, the Super Sperm logo is printed square in the chest. You'll strike fear or hilarity into those around you with this unique superhero costume. Hit the town with your archenemy, Captain Condom, for a hilarious night."

For a mere $52.99 you can become Super Sperm. If only it was that easy...

Find it here.

Would the real AF please stand up?

2009-09-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I found out that I have refills of my Femara left. Even though I know I am doing it without dr.'s approval I decided to go ahead do a medicated cycle. I am tired of doing nothing. I want to at least have a smidgen of a chance.

It seems as though the bitch (AF) seems to have other plans for me. According to FF I am due to start on Wednesday (CD 31) or possibly Thursday (CD32). On Wednesday (CD 24) I began to have PMS symptoms. Very slight spotting began on Friday (CD 26) and when I say slight I mean slight. Nothing on my panties, only when I wipe, pink CM slight. That went on for 3 days never getting darker. As of today all of my PMS symptoms and spotting are gone. I don't even feel like I can count the spotting as a super light AF because of how little there was.

I'm hoping, HOPING that the real AF will show up so I can do a medicated cycle. If it doesn't I won't be able to take the Femara. Boo.

*And before you ladies start telling me that it could be "special" implantation spotting I am pretty sure that I didn't ovulate this month.

You would think that I would have run out of tears by now...

2009-09-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I was invited to have dinner at my aunt and uncles house with all the cousins, cousin's babies and grandparents. Since I have missed the last several "family get togethers" I figured I should attend. I did my very best to mentally prepare myself for the three young families that would be attending, including a 3 year old, a 1 1/2 year old, a just turned one year old, and a one month old. Oh yeah, and did I mention the pregnant girl? I even texted the pg cousin that morning to tell her that I missed her. I also asked if she had plans for the weekend and if she wanted to do something. I never heard anything back from her so I assumed she didn't receive the text.

When I finally got there that night I did fine. I met the new baby for the first time and gave everyone hugs. Then it started. "It" being the fact all anyone could talk about was babies. "I is starting to walk! All E ever does is get into trouble! A is sooo cute! D is sleeping so good! We find out what sex the baby is on Wednesday!"

It suddenly felt like the bottom 3/4 of my lungs had been filled with concrete. It was like it was physically impossible to take a deep breath. All I could do was take small, short gasps. Even though all I could think about was the fact that I could hardly breathe, I did my best to hide it.

When it came time to have dessert I sat down with my pg cousin. I kept waiting for her to say something like "Sorry I never texted you back..." but she didn't, so I brought it up. Her response? "Yeah, I got it." Silence.

I don't know why that one incident upset me so much. Maybe it was the feeling of rejection when I already felt like I didn't fit in, but whatever it was that was it for me. I could not do it anymore. I could not breathe at all. After saying my goodbyes and claiming to be super tired, I practically ran to my car.

As soon as I got in the car I began gasping for air as tears welled up in my eyes. I cried the entire 30 minute drive home. As I sobbed, I didn't even bother to wipe the tears from my eyes, I just let them roll down my face. While my body shook, I yelled "Why me?" at God. When I had almost arrived home, the tears started to dry up and I suddenly realized that I could finally breathe. Deep, wonderful, refreshing breathes.

Crafty-Crafty!

2009-09-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

I signed up for this over on Steph O.'s Blog. I have seen this on a lot of people's blogs but hopefully there is someone out there who hasn't done it yet and wants to!

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you. I am definitely not very crafty but I will try my hardest! This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.

2- What I create will be just for you.

3-They say I have a year to get it to you. But I promise it will NOT take that long.

4- You have no clue what it's going to be. (nor do I at this point! :)

The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

So the first five people who post, and are willing to pass it along,will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!

Questions for you

2009-08-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about alternative methods to "jump start" my fertility. Some girlfriends and I have been recently talking about trying acupuncture. One of them used it to help induce labor naturally and swears by it now. I know nothing about it but it definitely sounds interesting.

So, my question is:

Has anyone tried it? Know someone who's tried it? Researched it? Know anything about it?

It's the little things

2009-08-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

Reasons to not wallow in depression about infertility today:

1. My husband will be off with me tonight.

2. Although our brand new washer broke the day we bought it (more on that later), we have family that is more than willing to let us do laundry at their house.

3. It's payday so I get to go out for lunch.

4. The day is half over.

5. I get to sleep in tomorrow.

I know it's bad that I am having to stretch just to list 5 things but hey, I'm trying and that's what counts, right?

Almost Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-18T16:08:00.001-07:00

I love when her lip(s) get stuck in her teeth

I <3>

I'm here, well kinda...

2009-08-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

I just want to apologize to you girls. I know that I have been doing a horrible job of commenting. I am reading, though. Some days it seems like that is all I can do.

Last week our washer broke. I'm convinced it broke because we were doing a really good job at saving. I feel like we keep taking one step forward and two steps back.

I'm also in the midst of fighting with my insurance company about an $800 bill for my HSG. Everyone keeps telling me not to give up on it. In fact, my obgyn nurse told me to "give them hell". I can't seem to work myself up to that though. Every time I even think about calling I have an anxiety attack. I know I can't just forget about it and hope it will go away but I want to so bad.

Jade was spayed on the 7th. Last Friday she started bleeding like she would while she was in heat. Took her to the vet and it seems that her body is possibly having a reaction to the sutures. She is on antibiotics and the bleeding has slowed down to spotting, thankfully. However, it is a huge pain to keep her covered and she's getting annoyed with her "diaper".

Despite the fact that my mind is racing all the time, most days I do really good. I go to work, go to the gym, come home, eat, shower and go to bed. The gym has turned out to be a real blessing. By the time I get home I am exhausted and don't have enough energy to obsess over TTC or my lack there of. I just have to keep reminding myself to pray for strength.

A New Award

2009-08-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

I got a new award this weekend! Steph gave me an Inspiration Award.

Thank you girl! I'm not going to choose girls to give this to because you are all my inspiration. When I have those moments in my day where I feel like I can't possibly do "this" anymore, I just log onto my Reader. Reading that there are women out there who are going through or have gone through the same thing as me gives me the strength to keep living my life. Thank you all for being my inspiration!

Rachel was the pretty one

2009-07-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

I have a VERY fertile family. For instance, I was conceived while my mom was on birth control and my brother was conceived while she was using a condom. The same goes for most of my family.

Anyway, I have been waited for this day to come, hoping it wouldn't but waiting non-the-less. My younger cousin and his wife started trying for a baby about the same time we did. They got pregnant their first month and had a healthy baby girl. Today, one year and a half later, I got on Facebook and read the announcement that they are pregnant again.

I've been lapped.

I actually handled it better than I thought. I felt the hysteria right on the brink of coming out. Instead I took some deep breaths and texted my sister. This was her text back to me:

"I'm sorry baby, you're time will come. Remember the story of Rachel and Leah in the Bible. Rachel's time came long after Leah's. And Rachel was the pretty one! :)"

I love that girl. She always know how to make me smile!

Liar, Liar...

2009-07-24T08:27:00.001-07:00

Pants on Fire!

Last post I promised a week full of blogging. I had big ambitions for wonderful posts that would make you cry, laugh, and pee your pants all at the same time. Ha! Well both you and I should have known better. I ALWAYS have plans for this blogs that I almost never follow through with.

Here are my excuses:

**Last Monday when I intended on getting my blog back on I started my period. So I spent both Monday and Tuesday wallowing in my own misery.

**I used to do all of my blog reading and writing at work. Since I'm not even supposed to be on the Internet at work, much less blogging, I have been trying really hard not to. That means that I have to do all of my blogging, facebooking, and reading at the end of the day. After I work, go to the gym, walk the dog, shower and cook dinner. Sometimes I am just plain tired.

**Wednesday and Thursday hubs had two days off in a row. Not only do we work opposite shifts but lately he has been working 6 days a week. So heck yeah I didn't go to the gym or even open the computer!

**Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were busy with I don't even know what. I know I saw Harry Potter on Saturday. It was good, not necessarily great, but entertaining and good.

**Yesterday I was just plain tired! (not much of an excuse but hey, just go with it!)

So, with that said I have had the greatest intentions. Just been very busy/lazy. I have even started drafts with my post ideas so that I will remember them.

*****Big thank you to Lauren for emailing me to check up on me! Makes me feel very loved! Thanks girl!****

Long time no see!

2009-07-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hey yall! Sorry it's been so long... I just needed some time to get my shit together. AF is officially here as of today. Next cycle will be au natural again since the whole money saving thing seems to be going pain stakingly slow.

Anyway, I plan on trying to be a much better blogger this coming week. I have a few ideas for posts, so we'll see how they pan out.

2009-07-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

¹¹ "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."
Jeremiah 29:11

Dear Lord,
I know that You have plans me, great plans. Please help me to be patient until You do show them to me.

2009-07-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

BFN

Don't really feel like talking about it.

2009-07-09T16:14:00.001-07:00

So this evening I received a email from someone I've never met. As far as I know, she isn't even a member of the "blogosphere". Her email not only warmed my heart but it also made my day. I thought I share part of it with yall...

"I just came across your blog when I was looking for information on trying to conceive combined with praying.

Of course I wish you and your husband that best of luck and I do believe that God has an ultimate plan for all of us. A baby will be yours and I will pray for you.

I am 31 and we have planned our lives much differently than you but honestly...I am happy to see that you are TTC at this time in your life. I am not sure waiting is always the best idea. Some women I know have waited themselves out of the game. Other women I know have kids at the thought of having sex. And here we are, educated and also TTC. Babies don't know about check books.

What does a baby really need? Love - loving caring parents, food, shelter and some clothes. However, our society has become obsessed with material things and have forgotten what it means to be loving, as parents, as neighbors and friends. I think a child raised in a happy home is the best commitment we can make to society. So I wish you the best. ..."

Murphy's Law

2009-07-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

The phrase, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong" pretty much sums up Murphy's Law. You know when you have those days where you wake up late, car won't start, your late to work, and your boss screams at you all day? Yeah, that's Murphy's Law.

I pretty much feel like that's my life right now. At least the TTC part of my life and we all know that part takes over all the other parts. The only thing that has gotten me through is God. I have had to realize that I can't control my life, only He can.

I would like to start off by saying that neither my husband or I have degrees. We are blue-collar working people. This has been our choice. We are not by any means well off but we do well for ourselves. We pay all of our bills, are paying off our debt, and still have money to eat, buy clothing, and do fun things. Our money is planned out every paycheck and once it's gone, it's gone. With that said...

The original plan for these coming cycles was to take a month off, save as much as possible and put the rest of the costs of an IUI on the credit card. During that month, though, we decided that would be a irresponsible thing to do. The new plan was to wait until we had the full $1,000 saved so we could pay for the IUI in cash. I felt really good about that decision. We were able to put $300 away in the first week because of hubs' bonus.

It's in His hands, in his Hands, He has a plan, He has a plan

On the 2nd of this month, we got a letter from the apartment complex saying that the carpet from the old apartment had to be completely replaced. This didn't come as much of a surprise to because I live with a man who thinks it's okay to wear dirty, greasy restaurant shoes in the house. Anyway, back to the letter... The letter stated that we had until the 15th to pay $500 in full or we would be evicted. Seriously? 2 weeks and then evicted?

It's in His hands, It's in His hands, He has a plan, He has a plan

So, we scrambled. Luckily we had the $300 because otherwise we would not have made it. We had enough money to pay our bills, buy some groceries, put gas in the cars and pay the bill for the carpet. That put us that much farther from doing another IUI. It sucked but we dealt.

It's in His hands, It's in His hands, He has a plan, He has a plan

At the end of last week Hub's truck started shaking so hard it was almost undrivable. Of course. We took it to the mechanic and dealt with only having one car for a few days. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Only another $500.

It's in His hands, It's in His hands, He has a plan, He has a plan

I'm not gonna lie, I'm having a hard time. I feel like this is never going to happen. I feel like we are never going to get pregnant. I'm struggling with depression. I'm defiantly not pulling my own weight around the apartment. My productivity at work is suffering. I'm trying, I really am it's just so hard. The only thing that has kept me from really losing it is repeating to myself over and over,
"It's in His hands, It's in His hands. He has a plan, He has a plan."

Fourth of July Festivities

2009-07-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

This 4th was a blast! All the family met up at my aunt and uncle's house. Normally we would do fireworks ourselves but because of the drought there was a ban on them. We ended up at their neighbor's pool after a bar-b-q. Afterwards we were all tired, so we crowded into the living room and watched a movie while eating popcorn and ice cream. Here are a few pics:

My "little" sister jumping off of my Uncle's shoulders

Ethan, my cousin, had to try it too!

He's such a cutie!

Finally, yours truly and my mom

Toilet Conversation

2009-07-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

While I was washing my hands in the bathroom today, the girl from the cleaning company was cleaning the toilets. She usually has her iPod on but always gives a smile and says hi. Anyway, I smiled and she started talking. Here's how the conversation went:

her: So, do you have kids?

me: (smiling) Nope, just me and my husband. You?

her: Yeah, I have two.

me: Oh yeah? How old are they?

her: One is 2 and one is 10 months.

me: (smile getting tighter) awww....

her: So why don't you have kids? Just don't want them? Not your thing?

me: No, just don't have any yet...

her: You know, some people just don't like kids... blah, blah, blah...

me: (interrupting) Okayyyyyy... well see you later.

Yeah, cause you know the only reason someone wouldn't have kids is cause they don't like them.... and why the freak is it any one's business anyway?

My body never ceases to surprise me!

2009-06-30T08:05:00.000-07:00

***TMI alert!***

I had been doing so good. I didn't even know what CD I was. I have been working really hard at coming to terms with the fact that this just isn't going to happen anytime soon. I have been really praying for God to help me realize that this is all going to happen in HIS time, not mine.

Before I start, let me remind you the I have PCOS, I don't ovulate on my own, and I am not taking any meds this cycle.

Saturday, when I went to the bathroom I had a little EWCM. No biggie, sometimes I get it at random times. However, I never have more than something so small it has to be searched for. Sunday I had a pretty large amount compared to what I am used to. Then I started wondering. Yesterday when I went pee I had the biggest amount of EWCM I have EVER seen. We are talking like the size of a bouncy ball and with a stretch of like 2 inches! Of course, I immediately got on Fertility Friend and found out I was on CD12. When I got home I took the very last OPK I had with pee that was only 2 hours concentrated. I got the faintest of lines.

So, my questions are these:

**I seem to remember reading somewhere that PCOS can cause you to get false positives/lines on OPKs but I can't remember where. Has anyone else ever heard of this?

**Should I go out and buy more OPKs? I go back and forth between this one. I would love to actually know for sure what's going on but I hate to spend the money on them (we are trying to save everything we can). I kind of feel like it doesn't really matter at this point... ?

I'm trying really hard to not get my hopes up. I really want to be able to hand as much of this over to God as I can. It's just getting to be too much to handle on my own! With that said, I'm pretty excited about the possibility of Oing on my own!

2009-06-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

So a lot has happened since I posted last. Hubby and I have done a lot of talking and have decided to wait until we have the money saved up to do another IUI. Honestly it is killing me but we really don't have any other. I've been doing pretty good considering. Of course I have my moments, though, when I just want to never get out of bed.

This evening is not so great. I feel like everyone and their mother is pregnant. Two of my cousins are pregnant. One family friend is pregnant. Five women at church are pregnant and about another five at work. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it happening to everyone but me.

2009-06-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Started my period today, told hubs that I needed to call RE to report CD1, hubs told me that he doesn't want to do fertility treatments anymore bc we cannot afford it. Had a emotional breakdown at work, took anti-anxiety medication, and now feel numb.

This week's happenings (Part Uno)

2009-06-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to say so I think I am going to split it into two posts. One TTC related and one for everything else. I will try and type up the TTC on my lunch break

We are officially all moved into the new apartment. It was crazy but we did it! Since we didn't have much time to give notice to the cable/Internet company we won't have either until Saturday, which sucks. I never realized how addicted I am to both until now.
I mentioned early that I plan on getting new pillows for the new couch (which gets delivered on Sat!) since the ones that come with it are butt-ugly. I have been looking online and also found a small rug I like. Here is what is in the running so far:

I also like these pillows:

The working out everyday was going really well. I had lost 3.5 lbs in a week in a half. Notice how I said "was". I got sick with a virus/cold and just haven't been able to kick it, so I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday. I have every intention of continuing but I can't afford to miss work so I am trying to keep from making the sickness worse.
I seem to be doing a lot of bullet style posts lately. I kind of feel like that is because that's the way my brain is working lately. Nothing real fluid going on up there.

Moving Disaster

2009-06-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing so hot at posting or commenting lately, have I? Sorry about that. It seems like lately I just don't have much to say.

A while back hubs and I decided that when our lease was up on our current apartment we would move down to a 1 bedroom (from a 2) to save money. When we signed the lease on this apartment, we were so sure that we would be pregnant by the time that we moved in so we got a 2 bedroom. Well, here we are a year later with no baby, no baby-belly, and no 2 cute pink lines. So we downsizing. It's actually kind of depressing when you think about it like that. I am trying real hard to think of it as just saving money. If by some miracle we get pregnant in the next year we can always renew our lease at the same complex and get a 2 bedroom.

Anyway, some how between hubs and I, and the complex people we got our move in dates mixed up twice. We were under the impression that we would be moving into the new place on Friday, the 19th. In fact, that is what our paper says. When we went to sign the papers this morning, we were informed that we are actually scheduled to move in on MONDAY the 15th! This wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't for the fact that we hadn't started packing until today. Oh yeah, and the fact that we both have jobs!!!! Luckily, hubs is off on Monday, so he will either be moving every thing by himself, or I will have to call into work. We would ask friends to help but it is super late notice and well, everyone else has to work too. At this point, we don't have much of a plan except to pack all weekend like mad.

Off topic here but I have been sick since Wednesday night. Worst sore throat ever, body aches, and fever. I went to the doctor on Thursday just to make sure it wasn't strep, which it isn't (thank you!), just a virus. The fever is gone and my throat is starting to feel better but now I have more cold-like symptoms, cough, runny nose, exhaustion. I am really tired of being sick... it's kind of hard to move when you are hacking up a lung.

Hope everyone is have a good weekend!

Mish-Mash

2009-06-03T19:29:00.001-07:00

Dang, it's been a long time since I've posted! I dunno, I haven't really been that busy, just tired. I have so much to catch up on I'm just gonna do a bullet post.

Last week Hubs and I took the week off together for our 2nd anniversary. Since our work schedules are so different, having that much time together was a present in and of itself. We were originally going to head to the beach for a few days but really couldn't justify it since we just made a big purchase (more on that below). We ended up just hanging out at home and by the pool together. It was wonderful!

Two weekends ago, we FINALLY bought a couch!!!!!!!!!!!! Woot woot! We also splurged and got a chair too. The pictures really don't do them justice and I HATE the pillows....

I started OPKs on CD13 and was getting negatives that never got darker or lighter. I was sure that I missed my surge but decided to go ahead and use my very last OPK yesterday evening (CD17) and got a positive!

I have been trying to get myself to the gym for a while now and it just hasn't happened. Well, I weighed myself the other day and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I'm at a weight that I have always told myself I would never get to. I was talking to a lady at work about it and she suggested that we go to the gym together after work. Today was the third day in a row that we did it. I'm hoping that it will work better since I have someone to be accountable to. I am tired and sore all over but feeling pretty proud of myself! :)

I think there was more I had planned on saying but I can't remember....

Infertility-Brain

2009-05-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

****Edit: I meant to save this post for tomorrow but hit the wrong button... I was gonna delete it but it's already on your go.og.le .read.er so what the heck?****

My last post got me thinking about something. We've all heard of "pregnancy-brain", right? I always hear moms-to-be complaining about how they can't ever remember anything, how scatterbrained they are, or how they feel like they are walking around in a fog. Some scientist thinks it a myth, just an old wives tale but some are starting to consider the fact that it very well may be a truth.

I, personally, think it's very believable. I would imagine that having all of those new hormones in your body probably does do something to the brain. Not to mention, knowing that your world will be completely changing in a few months. I'm sure that constantly thinking about that one thing doesn't leave a lot of room for much else.

The thing is, I keep thinking I have pregnancy-brain (you know, minus the whole pregnancy part). I'm forgetfull, scatterbrained, and have a one track mind. The only thing I ever think about is TTC. I take hormones that make me act crazy, emotional, and stupid.

For instance, sometimes I will be driving home from work and thinking about what CD I am on and when I will O when I suddenly realize that I passed the exit I need to take 2 exits back. Scary, I know. Or the time that hubs took my car to the shop for me. While I was at work, the mechanic called to tell me it was ready so I had my mom drive me to hub's work since I didn't have a key. I waited and waited for him to get done with what he was doing. Finally I asked him for his key. His response: "Why don't you just use your's?" DUH! HE dropped the car off, NOT me! In fact, I had been holding my car key in my hand all along. Oh and guess what I happened to be thinking about? That's right, whether or not I was pregnant.

Sounds a lot like pregnancy-brain to me! Since I'm not pregnant, I think I'll call it "Infertility-brain"! (Or IF-brain, if you want to shorten it :) Anyone else suffering from this condition?

Did I screw it up?!?

2009-05-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

You know how when you are TTC you think about your fertility every moment of every day? Yeah, well, by some miracle I didn't for the past two days. I had planned on picking my Clomid up from the pharmacy on Wednesday since I needed to start it on Thursday. I don't know what happened, I guess I just forgot, but I didn't give it another thought. So yesterday, on my way home from work I was moving from stuff from the passenger seat of my car when my instruction sheet from the RE fell to the floor. I instantly freaked, cause yeah I was supposed to start it that day! I calmed down though, cause duh! I can take it before I go to bed. Fast forward to late last night when I fell asleep on the couch. I finally woke up just long enough to drag myself to bed. I NEVER TOOK MY PILLS!!!! I can't believe I forgot this! I mean, really, how do I forget something that I think about every waking moment?!?

I took it this morning... I don't *think* it will mess me up... Thoughts?

Money Question

2009-05-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how long hubby and I will financially be able to continue TTC with medical intervention. We make enough money to support ourselves but that's pretty much it.
So, my question is this: How did you pay/are you paying/are you going to pay for your fertility treatments?
This is purely for my own curiosity. I know that finances are a private subject so feel free to answer anonymously, email me or not answer at all.

Couple of things...

2009-05-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

First of all AF is finally, finally here! I was starting to get worried. Although I am happy to see her, I feel like crappity-crap. Saturday I slept pretty much the entire day. So much so that I figured I must be getting sick but turns out it was the hag. I plan on laying low for the rest of the weekend.

Friday, hubby and I, got the pleasure of spending the afternoon and evening with this little man:

This five year old cutie is hubby's little brother. They went swimming, went out to eat, played with Jade, went grocery shopping.... Other than a few potty accidents and several clothing and underwear changes everything went great. Needless to say hubs was exhausted by the time it was time to go home. It really warmed my heart to see the two of them together. Hubby is going to be an amazing father.

Sista-Hood!

2009-05-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

My sista-girl, Lucky Jones, gave me this award...

You should check out her blog! Not only is she crazy creative but she's a pretty cool chick too! I love that girl!

Here are the guidelines for this award:

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.
2) Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
3) Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
4) Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate:

Morgan
Steph O.
Christine
Lila
Teresa
Ashley (AJ48)
Lauren
T
Emmy
Lynn Page

Provera can suck it

2009-05-12T13:24:00.001-07:00

I have always been a very hormonal and emotional person. I cry, a lot. So when I add artificial hormones to that the result is not very pretty. I'm on my fourth day of Provera and I want to scream, punch, cry and kick all at the same time. Everyone I work with is pissing me off. I'm tired my supervisor and lead playing favorites. I'm tired of their favorites treating me like they are better than or above me in some way. I want so badly to tell them all how sick I am of them and walk out of this place. Instead, I will continue to sit here, take the crap and hold back the tears. Gotta have a job right?

The side effects don't end there though! Oh no! My feet look like the little balloons with toes. Water retention? Check! I have enough gas to power an 18 wheeler across the country. (I maybe be exaggerating a little) This is a sure sign for me that AF is on her way and she is gearing up to be a bitch. I'm so excited.

Mother's Day Sucks!

2009-05-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

Morning yall!

So I POAS this morning, BFN. I'm going to call this morning to get
the Provera. It's just so weird because I keep thinking that AF will
be here any minute now. My boobs are killing me, my face is broken
out and I'm exhausted but since I've been like this for a week, I
guess it's just a fluke.

This morning I got to work and found a pink rose and a card on my
desk. Turns out one of the older ladies I work with brought all the
moms on our team a rose and mother's day card. For some reason she
thought that I had two babies. Ouch. I gave my mom the rose cause I
just couldn't stand to look at it without crying. Hopefully the rest
of the day will go better.

My old Journal Part 2

2009-05-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

For today's journal entry I'm going to give you a few excerpts from a few posts...

Dear Journal,
Today was great! There's this new guy in my English, Math and Social Studies class. He's so so cute! All the girls like him, I can tell. (I think he knows it too)....

Dear Journal,
I stayed home from school today. I feel awful, but of course me and mom got into a fight. School's going fine. Right now there's not really anybody at church or school that I like. .... Mom says I might start my period sometime soon. I can't wait!! If I find anybody reading this I'm going to be very mad!

Dear Journal,
I don't like that new guy anymore. There's this really cute guy in most of my classes, his name is Mark! But I still like Leonardo DiCaprio the best!...

Dear Journal,
I still haven't gotten my period yet. Mom won't let me shave in the shower, either!

Dear Journal,
Wuz up? Today is Megan's B-Day. We went to Chuckie-Cheese for it. There were a bunch of really cute guys there and one that looked about my age smiled at me! Ahh!...

My body is screwing with me

2009-05-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out what is going on with my body! (what else is new?) Still no AF but I am having some PMS symptoms. Since I can't seem to figure it out maybe yall can help me? Here a timeline of what's been up:

02/26-03/03: Normal AF

03/14: IUI

03/17-03/30: Prometrium

03/28: Negative Beta

04/02-04/03: light spotting, no full AF. My RN wasn't sure what to make of this. She said that it could very well be just a light AF and could start me on Provera if I wanted. Since I knew I was going to be taking a break we decided to just see what happened.

05/02: BFN

I know that it is more than likely just an annovulatory cycle but the thing is that every other time I have had them AF has been longer than 2 days.
I need to just bite the bullet and make the call for Provera don't I?

My old Journal

2009-05-06T17:16:00.001-07:00

The other day I was looking for a book to read when I found my old journal from my preteen/early teenage years.. Reading it, I realized that I was probably the worst journal-er ever. I would write for two days and skip 6 months. Some of the entries are pretty funny so I am going to share some with you over the next few days! :)

"Dear Journal,
I'm writing kind of early because I have something on my mind. Mom says that by the time school starts I'll start shaving my underarms! Heather and Megan (little sisters) are growing boobs faster than me! But I'm getting pretty big!!" ...

Classic 12 year old girl isn't it?

2009-05-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

I am thinking REALLY want a photoshop program for my laptop... anyone have any recommendations?

Hubs and I went to see the new X-Men movie on Saturday. We are both huge X-Men fans so we both loved it. Soo many cute guys in it!

Friday night we went to the Kenny Chesney concert. Lady Antebellum was one of the openers and hubby got to meet Hillary! He thinks she is super hot so that made his week!

Still no AF... The nurse never called me back on Saturday. I haven't called back yet because I think I am going to wait a few more days. Our anniversary is at the end of the month and we are talking about going to the coast. I don't want to be starting AF then so I think I'll just push it back. Who knows though, by the end of the day I may be ready to get this started.... :)
Didn't do to much on Sunday, just church, errands, and a nap.

My "little" brother Nick competed in the Texas Fight Fest 11 on Saturday night! He does MMA. Anyway, he won and I am so proud! He now holds both the Cruiserweight Champion title and the Middleweight Champion title for TAMMA (Texas Ameture Mixed Martial Arts)!

***Sorry the pic is so big... can't figure out how to make it smaller...

Why do I do this to myself?

2009-05-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

So I POAS this morning and got a BFN of course. The funny thing is that I had convinced myself that I was pg. I have been exhausted all the time and for the past two days I have been nauseous all the time, except when I'm eating. I guess I either a) have a stomach bug or b) am having some weird PMS symptom. It's funny to me that I can convince myself that I could get pg on a "break cycle". I mean, I know I have PCOS, I know I don't ovulate on my own!

I called the RE this morning (they are open on Sat) but haven't heard back yet. I'm assuming that they will want to start me on Provera since I never really got a full AF last cycle, just spotting. I took Provera once before and had a hell of a time. It made me so depressed that I was having a hard time functioning. By far, it was the worst period I had ever had. Because of that I will probably wait until Monday to start taking just to give AF a few more days to start on her own. Dang I hate this.

8x8

2009-04-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Morgan, thanks chica!

8x8

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:
~Becoming a mom
~The weekend
~The Kenny Chesney concert
~Going to my brother's MMA fight
~Going to bed... I'm exhausted these days...
~Going somewhere for my anniversary
~Someday buying a house
~Getting out of work today
8 Things I Did Yesterday:
~went to work
~went to the gym with hubs
~took Jade for a walk
~watched TV
~tried to convince hubs that I had the Swine Flu so he wouldn't want to "do it".... like I said, I'm tired!
~ate Ramen Noodles
~flat ironed my hair
~nodded off at work :)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
~have a nap time at work
~get pregnant
~loose weight (ha, doesn't everyone?)
~dance... I'm a white girl :(
~get a better job
~sing
~eat everything I want and not gain a pound
~learn to become an awesome cook

8 Shows I Watch:
~Grey's Anatomy
~Criminal Minds
~Big Bang Theory
~How I Met Your Mother
~The Office
~Private Practice
~Kath & Kim

8 Favorite Fruits:
~Watermelon
~Honeydew Melon
~Cantaloupe
~grapes
~Kiwi
~Pineapple
~Papaya but only if it's dried
~Oranges

8 Places I'd Like to Travel:
~New York
~Alaska (where I was born!)
~Hawaii
~Africa
~Australia
~Scotland
~Brazil
~New Zealand

8 people I'm tagging:
~Not gonna tag you... if you want it, come get it! :)

Zombie Chicks

2009-04-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

Ashley over at Baby Steps... gave me this awesome Zombie Chicken Award! She is so sweet! She is getting starting her first IVF cycle and has defiantly exuded the characteristics to deserve this award! Thanks Ashley!

"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…"

Now for my tags:

1. Emmy is one of my newest bloggy buddies. She has been through some really tough things lately and has kept a positive attitude through it all!

2. Even though Chele is no longer TTC she still sticks around to encourage, empathize and cheer us TTCers on. I know it's got to be hard...

3. Like, Chele, Candi is always there for support even though her life has taken a different direction! Fair warning... her blog is addicting!

4. I love reading Junebug's posts! She is super smart and pretty much always positive!

5. Finally, Lynn. I have always had a soft place in my heart for step-moms since my mom was one to my siblings. I know how hard it can be and I love reading about how much Lynn loves her two little ones!

Weekend Rap-Up!

2009-04-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

The blogosphere has been busy! I was gone for 4 days and came back to 88 unread posts in my reader! Which actually, made my morning, I love reading yall's posts.
My "little" brother's wedding was this past Friday evening. I took both Thurs. and Fri. off in order to help out. By Friday night I was exhausted! Weddings are a lot of work!
Not only did I sleep in until 11am on Saturday but I also took a 2 hour nap that afternoon.
I'm so proud of my hubby! He was told Friday that he has officially been put on the bonus program at work! This is a huge accomplishment! No other manager there has gotten on it so fast! He will get 1% of the weekly revenue, which doesn't seem like much but it adds up!
Went to a new "life group" for church last night. We are trying a new thing were we mix the "young singles" and the "young marrieds" a few times a month. I have been feeling torn between the two lately so I really enjoyed it!
Hubby and I have decided finally decided what our "course of action" will be this next cycle. We will be doing just Clomid with timed BD. While this break has been really good and relaxing I'm itching to get started again. I'll wait till the end of the week and if AF hasn't shown by then I will call the RE. I'm praying that she will show on her own... my last experience with Provera was not pretty, not pretty at all.
I have to leave my house at 8am in order to make it to work at 8:30am. This morning I woke up at 7 freakin' 50! Amazingly enough I made it here on time, I just look like crap!

Pain

2009-04-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more." ---Me.redith Grey, Gre.ys Ana.to.my

Today has been rough for no good reason at all. I woke up in a bad mood and it has followed me throughout the day. I don't want to talk to or be around anyone. The smallest annoyances make me want to punch somebody in the face. I just need to go home and go to bed because I am exhausted. Sure I went to bed a little late the past two nights but not late enough to make me feel like this. Therefore, I think I am PMSing and that just makes it worse. It doesn't make it worse because I don't want AF to show, because I would gladly welcome some sign of normalcy. It makes my mood worse because that means that we (I) need to make a decision about what we are going to do this next cycle.

ugh

I would LOVE to do another IUI, but we are talking about $1,000 that we just don't have. In fact, I don't see us having that anywhere in the near future. We do have two credit cards that we could put it on put hubby is pretty adamantly against that.

I guess that we could do a Clomid cycle, which would just cost us the price of one u/s and the medication. My worry with that is whether or not we are just wasting time. I tried Femara for 4 months. We know that it worked, we know that I ovulated on it. Why should Clomid be any different? Too bad I can't get pregnant the old fashioned way like everyone else. Too bad I have freakin' PCOS. Too bad I'm fat and can't loose weight. I hate it. I hate all of it.

Yup, I think I will just go home and go to bed. I was supposed to go shopping to find something to wear to my brother's wedding, which is on Friday but I say F*ck it. I just wear my pajamas.

ABC's

2009-04-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

*****Going to Nickelback tonight!!!*****

I was originally going to make my next post about my depressing weekend but decided that since I am over it (for now) there is no point in getting myself all worked up again just to post it. Since I don't have anything else going on I got this from Lynn and Chele's blog. I'm not gonna tag anyone either, just copy it if you wanna!
A - Age: 23
B - Bed: Pretty much my favorite place in the world!
C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the tub
D- Dogs: Only the best one ever!
E - Essential start your day item: Toothbrush
F - Favorite color: Pink and Orange
G - Gold or Silver: Def. Silver
H - Height: 5'8''
I - Instruments you play: Played the flute in middle and high school
J- Job title: Mortgage Data Entry Processor
K- Kids: none................................................................................. YET!
L - Living arrangements: In an apartment with hubs and Jade
M - Mom's name: Elaine
N - Nicknames: CoCo, Coley, Baby cakes
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: too many to count! (had major back surgery and bad asthma as a teenager)
P - Pet Peeve: rumbled bed sheets- they always have to be straight and tucked in!
Q - Movie Quote: "Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives... I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this." -Yzma from the Emperor's New Groove (my brothers and sisters and I can watch this over and over and never stop laughing)
R - Right or left handed: Rightie
S - Siblings: Two brothers, 21 & 17, and two sisters, 21 & 19
T - Time you wake up: 6:30 am
U - Underwear: yeppers, bikini preferably
V - Vegetable you dislike: Lima beans
W - Why Not: Duh, cause they taste like dirt!
X - X-rays you've had: both wrists, back, both ankles, lungs, sinuses, uterus, toes, fingers, neck, right hip.... that's a lot huh?
Y - Yummy food you make: homemade chocolate cake
Z - Zoo favorite: I have only every been to the San Antonio Zoo

Change

2009-04-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

It's been kind of a rough weekend which I will post about later when it's not 10:45 at night. For now I wanted to share my "theme song" recently. I will admit that I have always been a Taylor Swift fan but the song "Change" has really resonated with me recently. I can listen to it when I am happy and feel inspired, and I can listen to it when I am down and feel a glimmer of hope. It makes me have goose bumps every time.

I was going to post the video but I can't figure out how so I will just post the lyrics but if you want look it up... cause just reading really doesn't do it justice.

"Change" Taylor Swift

And it's a sad picture
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets
What you wanted again
You know it's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history
And you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through
Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

So we've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight
When the fight ain't fair

We're getting stronger now
Found things they never found
They might be bigger
But we're faster and never scared

You can walk away
Say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes
Says we can beat this
'Cause these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
Fight for what we've worked for
All these years
The battle was long
It was the fight of our lives
But we'll stand up, champions tonight
It was the night things changed

Can you see it now?
The walls that they put up
To hold us back
Fell down
It's a revolution
Throw your hands up
'Cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah
We sang hallelujah
Hallelujah

Birthday Part 2

2009-04-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

Our game of choice. If you haven't every played, you should, tons of fun!

My sister, Megan, and my mom

My little brother, Chris

My mom and her dog, Lillie

Hubby! I can't remember what he is laughing at...

My sister, Heather, and me

Hubs chowing on my B-day cake

This is an awful pic of me put it's so pretty of my sisters that I couldn't resist!

Hubs and I in a cake and taco induced coma!

Birthday Part 1

2009-04-06T19:07:00.000-07:00

This past Thursday was my 23rd birthday, which we spent with my family. It was very relaxed which was just what I needed!

My sister, new sister-in-law, other sister, brother, mom and hubby (my other bro. had to work)

Me and the babes

My sis, Megan, being gross

The wonderful tacos Meg made us

I can't seem to take a picture and make a decent looking face at the same time. :/

Meg icing and decorating my cake (sorry about the sideways-ness, I'm too lazy to fix it)

The cake only lasted a few minutes b/c she iced it on a hot stove, which is sooo Megan.

Sadly, this was not posed....

Opening presents...

Megan and my new SIL, Holly

Hubs got me Season 4 of Grey's Anatomy on DVD! Yay!

A little of this and a little of that

2009-04-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've got a lot of random-ness to say so I think I'll do some bullets....

** I wanna give a SHOUT OUT to my buddy Christine who just got her BFP!!! YAY!!!

** I am still living on a broken couch! :( Hubby and I can't seem to find one that we agree on.

** I went and bought two new bras yesterday (see previous post). I always buy them just a tad snug because they always stretch out so much. The one I am wearing today is a little too tight on the shoulders. I def. have red marks.

** The other day hubs shaved in the shower without a mirror. He accidentally shaved a off a corner of one of his side burns (of course) so I had to shorten the other side to even them up. You would think he would have learned his lesson right? Ha! Nope, he tried to trim them himself yesterday and took a big chunk out of the middle of one. Ah, men....

** The allergens here are killing me! I have red itchy eyes, and a boogery nose all the time!

** I stopped the Prometrium Wed. morning and started spotting on Thursday (happy birthday to me! :). By Friday afternoon, all spotting had ceased and had nadda over the weekend. No PMS, cramps, nothing. I called the nurse this morning and she said to give it another week and then call her back if AF still doesn't show. Well wadda know, as soon as I hung up the phone I started spotting again! Hmmm... we shall see...

** I am hoping to post birthday pics either tonight or tomorrow!

** My almost 18 year old brother confided in hubby the other day that "he was almost a daddy" (his words). He said that they didn't have any condoms and he didn't pull out in time. They both freaked so she took 4 pregnancy test a few days later. To my knowledge she isn't pregnant. While hubs was telling me all I could think was "if it were only that easy" and then I remember that it is that easy for a lot of people. I told hubs to give him some condoms because even though I don't condone him having sex I don't think that I could handle it if he got some girl pg. Sad huh?

It's break time

2009-04-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

Dude, it feels like I haven't posted in for-ev-er. I have a lot to say so I think I will do two separate posts, TTC stuff and everything else.

Once we found out that the IUI didn't work we knew that we had to decide what to do next. We don't have $950 in cash so if we did another IUI it would have to go on a credit card. About 8 months ago that wouldn't have been a problem. Since then we have been spending any spare money we have to get our credit card debt paid off. We aren't there yet but we are closer than where we were when we started. So because of that hubs was really hesitant to use it for an IUI. We contemplated doing just a medicated cycle too. We went back and forth and just couldn't decide.

So hubby finally put his foot down. We are officially taking a break this cycle. While it kills me to think that we are just "wasting" a month, it immediately took a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have been happier and more care-free this past weekend than I probably have in months.

Let's face it, TTC for 14 months straight is just not good for the body, soul, or a marriage. I have gained weight, have horrible acne (for the first time ever), and have huge mood swings. I have been angry with God for the first time, and pretty much closed myself off to him. My marriage has suffered and been neglected. The only thing I ever talk to hubs about is ttc. So much so that he doesn't even really want to be around me. Oh and lets not forget what it has done to our sex life. Beside the fact that we only ever have boring "baby making" sex, I don't ever want to do it unless it is O time. I couldn't even remember that last time I orgasmed.

I don't know how long the break will last. Right now we are just taking this month by month. I do have my moments wishing I was TTC but for the most part I am at peace with this decision. I will be counting on you all though to remind me that this is good for me, when I am whining about how I wish I was TTCing this month.

**I am proud to report that Sunday I went out and bought a push-up, cleavage enhancing, black lace bra. Hubs was over the moon. We had GREAT sex last night and I, dare I say it, O'ed (the REAL O). Afterwards we took a long shower together where we just talked and talked. It was wonderful. Amazing what a break and a little lace can do.... :)