Saturday, March 19, 2011

Updates

Thank you for the comments on my last post. I really needed to get it out and honestly do feel better now. :) I also appreciate everyone being understanding about it and not getting upset.

Things around here have actually been pretty good for the most part! We just got finished moving my grandparents in with my mom and will moving ourselves at the end of the month. Hubs and I are going to be renting a small townhouse and my 20 yr old sister will be staying with us. Although moving is exhausting and hard I kind of like the fact that it forces you to go through all of your stuff, throw out things and do some deep cleaning. It's kind of like a fresh start!

In IF news the hubs has finally agreed that maybe IVF is worth going into debt over. The plan is to put it on a credit card and then pay it off fast. Since we both started new jobs this year we are planning on waiting until life settles down a little to start the process. Honestly part of me is putting it off because it scares the shit out of me. There are so many variables that go into it which makes it hard for me to wrap my brain around it. Sometimes it's easier to say I'll deal with it later than think about all the time money and emotions that go into it. I can't imagine doing all of that and then it failing. Any advice on how to emotionally deal with it all would be greatly appreciated! Also does anyone have any advice about how to help your husband understand it? I've tried to explain what all is involved but when I do I can see his eyes glazing over. :)

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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Support

Thank you for the comments on my last post! Sometimes it's good to hear that I'm not the only one who can't hold it together all the time! I ended up POASing that day and it was negative. Even though it was midday and not FMU I'm sure that it was accurate. The spotting and cramping stopped the next day so I chalk it up to my body just acting funky.

There is something that I have been wanting to post about for a while now but I haven't been sure whether this is the right place to do it. I do not want to hurt feelings or offend anyone but at the same time since it involves online friends I can't really talk to real life friends about it. I really need to get it off my chest though so I hope that those involved can understand that.

A while ago (as in years) I joined an online message board for TTC. I met a bunch of wonderful women there and learned a ton. There was a specific group though that I connected with and we soon broke off into our own group. There were eight women total who were all at different stages of TTC with me being the one who had been trying the longest. Fairly soon after that 4 got pregnant and 2 "dropped out". The four of us that were left have all had to deal with IF in one form or another. The three girls have all gone on to have successful IVFs and are either parenting or pregnant.
Now let me pause here and say that I am nothing but over the moon for these women! Seeing pictures of their babies brings a smile to my face because I know how hard their parents worked for them.
However, this doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to be the last one. When we started our group we all knew that one of us would eventually be the last girl standing and talked about it often. We even often talked about how there would be "no girl left behind"! We promised each other that we would be there to support each other no matter how long it took. Now that I am that girl I often think about how naive that was of us. Let's face it, when you are basking in the happiness of your pregnancy or baby you don't want to be reliving the sadness of IF through someone else. I would love to say that if it was the other way around I would give the girl left behind support but honestly i don't know that.
Part of me wants to blame these girls for the lack of support I have received from them. I mean I have supported them through IUIs, IVFs, and pregnancies, why can't they support me? But a bigger part of me can't blame them. Like I said before they are focused on other things.
Again I don't want anyone to take this post the wrong way. I have been thinking about this for a while now and have needed to get it off my chest. I love all these girls dearly and only wish the best for them. I have spent a lot of time praying for them and their bundles of joy and don't regret that at all.
I also want to say thank you to those of you that continue to keep up with me on Facebook and leave me comments on the few sporadic posts that I do write. I cherish those notes and sometimes read them several times.
All in all I think this had taught me to lean on myself a lot more. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for and I dont always need to run to someone with every little thing. And that's a good thing right? ;)

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Sunday, March 6, 2011

This is going to be random and out of the blue. Please excuse any errors and choppiness... Im not in the best frame of mind.
Six days ago on CD 21 started lightly spotting. For two days I spotted so lightly that it was only visible when I wiped after using the restroom. Since my doctor has told me in the past to count any sign of blood as day 1 (because of pcos) I went and picked up the femara and started it on day 3. My bleeding never got any heavier and was gone midway through day 3. Today (day 6) I started cramping and spotting again. Now I know that this is probably just another screwed up thing that my body is doing but I can't help my thoughts from running wild. In my crazy, anxiety ridden, infertile mind I can't help but to think that I was pregnant and took femara and am now miscarrying. I know that this is most likely not the case but it's like my mind is spinning around and around with the possibilites. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I have a normal body and not have to worry about things like this? I know that I'm not the only one who has a mind that does this. How do y'all keep from losing it?

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