Friday, December 31, 2010

New years eve

The hubs and I went to my cousins house for new years eve. She and her husband were having a small family get together, just her (k), her husband, their two sons, my aunt and uncle, my mom and sisters, my other cousin and his wife (l) and their toddler.
Everything was going great. My cousin brought his brand new xb.ox k.inne.ct and everybody sat around and watched each other play. All of a sudden aunt, uncle, cousins and cousins spouses disappear into a room. I didn't think anything about it and continued playing with one of the kids. Then I see my mom crying so I follow her into the kitchen.
(you know where this is going right? Of course you do)
I ask mom what's going on and she says that she needs to tell me something. I say "someones pregnant right?" Her response is "both of them. Both unexpected too."
Of course mom is crying so I feel like I need to put on a brave face. I talk to her hug her, yadda yadda yadda.
Now let me insert here that I am very open about IF and my family is very sympathetic and supportive.
Anyway, I retreated to the bathroom and let a few tears fall. Mom comes and finds me, more hugs. I go out into the kitchen and both preggers, one cousin, and hubs suddenly stop talking and turn around to stare at me. It was like that was all I could physically take. Just knowing that they were there talking about me and feeling sorry for me was too much to handle. I held it together just long enough to hug them both and tell them congratulations and they said that they love me. Here's where is starts getting ugly. I tried to retreat to the bathroom again to collect myself but it was occupied. The closest room I could find was one of the little boys rooms so I slid in and shut the door. Once the tears starting rolling there was no stopping them. Wouldn't you know though that that's when cousin walked in to put his little boy to bed. He tried to tell me to stay but I practically ran out and retreated outside with everyone watching. At this point I was crying just as much from embarrassment as from the announcements.
A few minutes later hubs came out and hugged me while I cried. He told me that if it would make me feel better that we could put another iui on our credit card. I changed the subject though because I dont want to make decisions like that being so emotional. Anyway, he eventually got me calmed down and we walked back in the house holding hands and laughing. Luckily everyone pretended like nothing happened and the evening went on as normal.
Honestly I love my family so much and really am happy for them. I want nothing but good things for them and their pregnancies. It just hurts because it's something that I can't have. I can't have a surprise pregnancy or an oops baby. I can't say well if it happens then it happens. I might never be able to get and stay pregnant. I might never have a child. And honestly? That freakin breaks my heart.

*if you made it this far, thank you. It helps to know that your out there reading this. I do apologize though for how jumbled I'm sure this post is. In my defense though it is almost 1am after a very emotional night.*

Sent from my iPhone


Robin said...

OMG.... Coco... What a terrible night. I am so, so sorry.

Queen Bee said...

you don't need to justify or apologize for letting this out, hon. i'm so sorry that it was a rough night. that could not have been easy for you. i remember having days like that myself years ago and i worried that everyone felt like they needed to walk on eggshells around me and that me made feel even worse!

((big hugs))

Lauren said...

Wow. That is a ROUGH New Year's Eve. I am so sorry you had to experience that. I have not forgotten, and I completely understand just exactly how you felt. I hope and pray that 2011 brings a far better year for you and your hubs. If only money wasn't a barrier to getting pregnant. UGH, I HATE IF!

The Baby Race said...

That is a really rough night and the stuff an infertile's nightmares are made of. You poor thing. Glad you took a moment for yourself to cry. Sending hugs and hoping your 2011 is way better than 2010.

Melissa said...

I remember being in that same place a few years ago and how awful it truly was. Your family seems so supportive and loving and I'm glad they are so understanding of your infertility struggles. I hope the new year brings you your long-awaited baby. You deserve it. ((HUGS))

Amanda said...

It sounds like they are doing their best to be sensitive to your feelings. I`m sure it wasn`t exactly how you envisioned spending your New Year`s Eve, though. Huge hugs coming your way.

Just Another J said...

Hi Coco - I'm new here. I found you through Chele's blog (but I think she deleted hers now). Anyway, I've been reading a while & lurking but just wanted to say I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes when I'm in a moment like that I think I'll never survive, but somehow we do. Hang in there. =)

I've been TTC 4 1/2 yrs and have a blog too. I'm not doing any treatment besides acupuncture right now and have been told my only chance is IVF, even though I have unexplained IF. Maybe you'll want to stop by my blog for some support? You can never have too many cheerleaders, and it seems like every blog I read has already moved on too. =( I hope we can get to know each other!


PS - to cheer you up - my acupuncturist just found out she's pregnant... unplanned of course...

junebug said...

Hugs my friend!! Ugh. I think you handled it much better than I could have. I might have attempted to dig my way out or jumped out a window. Such a hard night.

Sarah said...

Oh sweetie, that just blows. Family needs to learn the best way to tell someone who they know has a hard time is in person, and in private. Not a big group announcement in front of everyone. Not a DOUBLE announcement. People who haven't struggled just don't get it.

Here's hoping 2011 brings you your own sweet baby.

custom fortune cookies said...

I pray almighty to shower you all happiness and good luck in the year 2011.

Samsung tablet said...

Coco. Oh so sorry to hear it. Please forgive the past and pray and I am sure you will be blessed with a baby in the year 2011.