Friday, December 31, 2010

New years eve

The hubs and I went to my cousins house for new years eve. She and her husband were having a small family get together, just her (k), her husband, their two sons, my aunt and uncle, my mom and sisters, my other cousin and his wife (l) and their toddler.
Everything was going great. My cousin brought his brand new xb.ox k.inne.ct and everybody sat around and watched each other play. All of a sudden aunt, uncle, cousins and cousins spouses disappear into a room. I didn't think anything about it and continued playing with one of the kids. Then I see my mom crying so I follow her into the kitchen.
(you know where this is going right? Of course you do)
I ask mom what's going on and she says that she needs to tell me something. I say "someones pregnant right?" Her response is "both of them. Both unexpected too."
Of course mom is crying so I feel like I need to put on a brave face. I talk to her hug her, yadda yadda yadda.
Now let me insert here that I am very open about IF and my family is very sympathetic and supportive.
Anyway, I retreated to the bathroom and let a few tears fall. Mom comes and finds me, more hugs. I go out into the kitchen and both preggers, one cousin, and hubs suddenly stop talking and turn around to stare at me. It was like that was all I could physically take. Just knowing that they were there talking about me and feeling sorry for me was too much to handle. I held it together just long enough to hug them both and tell them congratulations and they said that they love me. Here's where is starts getting ugly. I tried to retreat to the bathroom again to collect myself but it was occupied. The closest room I could find was one of the little boys rooms so I slid in and shut the door. Once the tears starting rolling there was no stopping them. Wouldn't you know though that that's when cousin walked in to put his little boy to bed. He tried to tell me to stay but I practically ran out and retreated outside with everyone watching. At this point I was crying just as much from embarrassment as from the announcements.
A few minutes later hubs came out and hugged me while I cried. He told me that if it would make me feel better that we could put another iui on our credit card. I changed the subject though because I dont want to make decisions like that being so emotional. Anyway, he eventually got me calmed down and we walked back in the house holding hands and laughing. Luckily everyone pretended like nothing happened and the evening went on as normal.
Honestly I love my family so much and really am happy for them. I want nothing but good things for them and their pregnancies. It just hurts because it's something that I can't have. I can't have a surprise pregnancy or an oops baby. I can't say well if it happens then it happens. I might never be able to get and stay pregnant. I might never have a child. And honestly? That freakin breaks my heart.

*if you made it this far, thank you. It helps to know that your out there reading this. I do apologize though for how jumbled I'm sure this post is. In my defense though it is almost 1am after a very emotional night.*

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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I stopped by the dollar store on my way home and they were out of OPKs. So instead of driving out of my way to try another store I decided to take it as a sign.

"relaxing" and not worry about it is supposed to be what taking a break is about right? That is possible... Right??

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It's CD20 on an unmedicated cycle and my CM is pretty "wet" and plentiful. It certainly isn't eggwhite but it's pretty rare for me to get that. Also my cervix is pretty open.

Could it be?!? Could I actually be ovulating on my own?? Or does my body just hate me that much to fake me out like that?

I will definitely be stopping by the dollar store on the way home for some OPKs because you know I can't just let it go. :)

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