Sunday, May 2, 2010

The one where I try to lay it all out there

So yeah, it's been a while. Like over a month. To be honest, I've been avoiding you, all of you. Avoiding my blog, avoiding your blog, avoiding Project IF, and avoiding LFCA.

I've been avoiding Project IF because that would mean that I would have to look at the questions that make me uncomfortable. I would have to look at the possibility that I might never have a child.

I have been avoiding LFCA and your blogs because I'm jealous of you. I'm not only jealous of those of you who are and have recently become pregnant but I'm jealous of those of you who are pursuing treatment. Right now I am taking Femara and that's it. We have no plans of trying IUIs again or anything else. Because we got pregnant once with just Femara, the hubs thinks that there is no reason for us to do anything else. So while I know it sounds stupid, I'm jealous of those of you who are having surgery, getting ultrasounds, and doing IUIs and IVF.

Lastly, I've been avoiding my blog because it's just easier that way. Every time I sit down to write something I come up with nothing. I just sit there and stare at the computer. Like I said, it's just easier.

All of these things pretty much come down to me avoiding my feelings about infertility. It's become easier for me to either turn off my feelings or not share them with anybody. That way I don't have to deal with them. Just have to walk through my life stuffing my feelings down.

So, I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting on your post, I have been reading them though. I've been a crappy bloggy friend. At this point I can only do so much but I'm gonna try harder.


Stacie said...

Oh, hon. I've been there. I think we've all been there at some point or another. That jealousy can be a wickedly powerful thing. And to be honest, I still feel it, too.

No need to be sorry. You do what you've got to do to work through this IF journey. No one will feel any different abou you here.

Be kind to yourself. Hugs.

Lucky Jones said...

:( I'm so sorry... Yes, we've all been there. It's so hard not to feel hopeless. I know I have had some very dark times in my TTC journey. I remember finding out I had to have surgery and crying in my RE's office. And I remember wanting to do ivf but not having the money to do it. But I kept trying, no matter how futile it seemed at the time. And it paid off. It will for you too, I just know it. Love you

junebug said...

Lots of love to you. I've been feeling the same way. I try to write and then just end up crying. ((Hugs))

Sarah said...

Oh, so sorry to hear your feeling this way. Infertility is the hardest thing I have gone through, and I can imagine you as well. We all have our survival strategies, and they are very necessary. I'll be thinking of you!

The Baby Race said...

You absolutely don't need to apologize. You are not a bad person for not commenting. You just take the time you need to be annoyed with life. I'm right there with you. I'm so very tired of thinking about it all and talking about it. I just want to sit in a cocoon and not pay attention to the hell that is my infertile life.

sarah said...

We have all been there and we totally understand! Take all the time you need.

Thanks for the support of the Guatemala 900! I really appreciate it.

Chele said...

BTDT and no apologies are necessary. I keep ++++ vibes for you. Hang in there!