Thursday, May 13, 2010

Knew that would do it

In this past couple of days I have done everything I could to make my period start. I know you can't technically "make" your period start but everyone know that there are some things that the minute you do them, you start. For instance:

  • I have taken a pregnancy test. It seems like whenever I do this I start that day.
  • I have had sex with the hubs. If AF is on the way then this always starts the spotting.
  • I have worn white underwear.
  • I have worn white underwear with a skirt.
  • I have worn no underwear to bed.

All that brought me nothing, nadda, so I knew I had to bring out the big guns.

  • I bought freakin $8 pregnancy tests.
  • I shared my feelings about hoping I was pregnant and being late with not only my mom but with yall. It seems like everytime I let someone else know that I am hoping and thinking I'm pregnant, I get my period and feel like an idiot.

Well, that did it ladies. I knew it would. At 4am my dog woke me up cause he apparently had to pee. I stood up and felt a huge gush.

Now I get the pleasure of returning those stupid $8 tests. Whoop-ee.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Maybe, Maybe not...

I friggin hate this! Every month I know I'm pregnant, get all kinds of symptoms, take a test, and get my period. Every month like clock work. That's where I am this month and I want your opinions.
Here are the facts:

  • This was a medicated cycle.
  • Today is CD 32.
  • Fertility Friend says my average cycle is 30 days, shortest cycle is 25 days and longest is 36 days.
  • I don't have a definite ovulation day because I didn't want to use OPKs this month.
  • I tested on Saturday (CD29) and on Sunday(CD30) and got a negative both times.
  • I have not had any spotting.
Here are the gray areas (gonna talk about poop so skip this is your squeamish):
  • I have had some cramping but nothing consistent. A few days ago, I actually thought something might be wrong because I was having sharp pains on the right side of my pelvic area. The pains have stopped but if I do something like sit forward in my chair things feel "tight" in that area. Every once in a while a have a cramp and then it goes away.
  • My boobs, oh gosh, my boobs! I almost smacked the hubs when he grabbed them. The sides are super sore and my nipples are real sensitive. This happened when I got pregnant but also sometimes happens with my period.
  • The last couple of days when I poop there is a lot of pressure. I'm not constipated but when I push I feel a lot of pressure not only in my bottom but in my pelvic area too. Today, I have pooped every couple of hours.
  • Usually when I am about to start I feel ravished all the time, now I just feel normal hunger at meal times.
So my plan was to test again on Saturday so that if it was negative I would have to day to hibernate if I want. When I came home I realized that I didn't have any sticks so I picked some up while I was picking up my prescriptions. The problem is since them I have been thinking about it nonstop and am now thinking that if I test tomorrow and it's positive I could talk the dr into doing a beta and have the results before the weekend. Gah! Why do I do this to myself???

So, opinion? Should I test tomorrow? Should I test Friday? Saturday? Have you had this poop problem before (pregnancy or nonpregnancy related)? Help me ladies!!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The one where I try to lay it all out there

So yeah, it's been a while. Like over a month. To be honest, I've been avoiding you, all of you. Avoiding my blog, avoiding your blog, avoiding Project IF, and avoiding LFCA.

I've been avoiding Project IF because that would mean that I would have to look at the questions that make me uncomfortable. I would have to look at the possibility that I might never have a child.

I have been avoiding LFCA and your blogs because I'm jealous of you. I'm not only jealous of those of you who are and have recently become pregnant but I'm jealous of those of you who are pursuing treatment. Right now I am taking Femara and that's it. We have no plans of trying IUIs again or anything else. Because we got pregnant once with just Femara, the hubs thinks that there is no reason for us to do anything else. So while I know it sounds stupid, I'm jealous of those of you who are having surgery, getting ultrasounds, and doing IUIs and IVF.

Lastly, I've been avoiding my blog because it's just easier that way. Every time I sit down to write something I come up with nothing. I just sit there and stare at the computer. Like I said, it's just easier.

All of these things pretty much come down to me avoiding my feelings about infertility. It's become easier for me to either turn off my feelings or not share them with anybody. That way I don't have to deal with them. Just have to walk through my life stuffing my feelings down.

So, I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting on your post, I have been reading them though. I've been a crappy bloggy friend. At this point I can only do so much but I'm gonna try harder.