Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

Let's talk about excuses for a minute, shall we?

You see, I am the master of excuse-making.
Why didn't I do any house work all week?
Why am I always running late?
Why did I eat a whole bag of Reeses Pieces?

I can give you a million excuses right off the top of my head.

"I was too tired, duh..."
"I planned on doing it tomorrow..."
"I got too busy..."
"I must have slept through my alarm..."
"I didn't have a big dinner..."
"It's just a one time thing..."

My biggest one, however, is why I have let my weight get out of control and more importantly why I NEVER exercise. Some of my excuses for the first are valid... infertility and PCOS for example. The latter though? Not so valid. The excuses range anywhere from "I have to get home to let my dogs out" and "I'm in the 2 week wait so I don't want to exert myself just in case I'm pregnant". Yeah, not so valid reasons. The really sad part is that my employer pays for me to have a gym membership to a very nice gym. Pathetic huh? I just can't get myself there. After work all I want to do is go home and there is no way in h*ll I'm getting up at 5am to go.

So on my way home from work today, I stopped by Target and bought this on a whim...

Now I have no excuse. I can exercise at home, take my dogs out, don't have to worry about the weather, and it only takes 20 minutes.

So, today was day 1 and let me tell you that Jillian kicked my butt. Seriously. It was intense, hard and tiring. My body is WAY out of shape. By the time I was done I was drenched in so much sweat I couldn't sit anywhere and had to shower immediately. An hour and a half later my legs were still shaking.

I'm feeling pretty dang good that I made it all the way through. Now if I can just keep it going I will be feeling even better. :)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Courage

My boss sends out daily emails with a inspirational quotes. They are usually pretty stupid and I typically skip over them. Today's, though, reminded me of all you girls.


Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
Mary Anne Radmacher



Sometimes I think that women who are struggling with infertility think of themselves as weak, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. You are all so strong. You all get up every morning and live your lives even though infertility is hanging over your head every second of the day. You are brave and courageous. Don't ever forget that.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Sicky

I hope this doesn't come out choppy... I'm hopped up on drugs and not thinking too clearly... If it does, I'm sorry!

After I typed my last post I spent the afternoon and evening lying on the couch feeling like I *might* be getting sick. Did the same thing all day Sunday after POAS, getting a negative and NOT getting my period.
I went to work on Monday with a pretty sore throat but since I didn't have any other symptoms I thought it might just be bad allergies. By Monday night I had no voice, was exhausted, and still had no period symptoms.
Tuesday morning I POAS since I still had no symptoms and got a negative. I felt horrible and contemplated calling in to work but since I had a meeting scheduled for Thursday to talk about my getting a raise I decided to make myself go. I spent the whole time I was getting ready with tears rolling down my face because I felt so awful. It's pretty common for me to cry when I don't feel good so I didn't think anything of it.
While I was at work I started hacking up a storm and felt a gush. Honestly I thought I had just had some pee-leakage (kinda common for me). However when I got to the restroom, much to my surprise my underwear was full of mucus and bright red blood.
This is so not common for me. I always have a couple of days of awful PMS and spotting as a warning. I have never once bled through my panties like most women.
Anyway, back to Tuesday, I just went to my boss and was honest and told her that I would have to go home to clean up and change. Since that would give me an occurrence anyway (stupid) and I was sick I would just stay home. By Tuesday night I had a very low-grade fever and body aches.
I called in Wednesday and ended up at the doctor. She tested for strep throat and H1N1. Thankfully I have neither. Just a severe sinus infection .
So, I've been sick since Saturday and have yet to start feeling better. I'm bored and lonely (hubs works evenings and nights). The only upside is that I'm down to just barely spotting now. Lovely huh?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Feeling Betrayed

Today is CD30 on a medicated cycle. I have no period, no cramps, no spotting, no pms, no sore boobs, nadda. Should be good news right? It would be if the test I took this morning wasn't negative.

**please don't tell me that there is still hope, I know that... however, it doesn't help.


It's not even the negative that gets to me so much. I'm getting pretty used to that. It's the fact that I work so hard at not getting my hopes up. I don't even test until I'm late. I work so hard at it and my body works just as hard to make me get my hopes up. Would a little pms or spotting be too much to ask for? Really?

I'm just tired. Tired of being betrayed by my body. Tired of this shit.