Thursday, February 11, 2010

Big Vent

Change of plans... I need to get this out.

Today my close cousin delivered her second baby within two years. Both babies were conceived with contraceptives and both about 3 months before they planned on starting to try. In fact, this is how all of the women in my family are. F-E-R-T-I-L-E Myrtles. Anyway, back to today.

I have done really well with accepting it and being happy for her. I love her little girl and know that I will love this baby boy. It isn't her fault that I'm infertile and it isn't her fault that she's as fertile as they come. I may not be "cool" with it but I will be ok.

What I'm not ok with is what this is doing to the people closest to me. For instance, I had planned to go see the baby today with my mom until she called and said she couldn't. She told me that she had spent the day crying because she hurt for me. She said that she couldn't go hold that perfect baby knowing that it should be my turn.

That kills me. It kills me because she feels that way because of me.

I know that it was not her intention to make me feel bad and I know that it's natural for her to hurt over this. However, I HATE the idea that she is feeling pain because of me. MY problems are hurting those around me. All this time that I have been crying to her and letting my true colors out, I could have been sparing her from that pain. I need to learn to keep it to myself. Just because I have to hurt doesn't mean those around me do.


Robin said...

Wow... that is an awful lot of emotion for her to dump on you. I mean, I know she might be entitled to those feelings and in a lot of ways it is nice that your mom is compassionate, but wow. Pressure.

I hope you're feeling better soon.


Christine said...

awww You shouldn't feel so alone! You need support from those around you and they are only hurting because they love you and just want you to have the baby that you so badly deserve!

Lucky Jones said...

It's amazing how much IF affects more than just those who are personally experiencing it. For years people were worried to tell me they were pg. It ws such a hard thing to take, not being able to be told such a wonderful miracle because of my feelings. Sounds like your mom is just trying to support you, but definitely tell her that although you are hurting, it doesn't make you love the babies around you any less... No use walking on eggshells :)

Take care, you will get your little one - I am sure of that!

Steph O. said...


I'm sorry she dumped all that on you! I wouldn't stop talking IF to her though. I know that it hurts my parents too. Both for the want of being grandparents & the difficulty of seeing your child go through this. I'd rather have my mom on my side, even though I hate the pain that IF causes all the way around.

Maybe she just felt like she had to be strong for you & wasn't up to it. Would she feel better if she knew that you are ok with & happy for your cousin?

I hope your little one is in the near future!

Browniris said...

That is so hard when you can't talk to your closest family and friends about IF stuff. We are always here for you when you need to talk or vent!

junebug said...

Hugs! It seems like a double edged sword. Some people have no concept of our pain and are so sensitive - We wish they could get a clue. However, some feel our pain so much - We wish we didn't make them feel bad.