Friday, December 31, 2010

New years eve

The hubs and I went to my cousins house for new years eve. She and her husband were having a small family get together, just her (k), her husband, their two sons, my aunt and uncle, my mom and sisters, my other cousin and his wife (l) and their toddler.
Everything was going great. My cousin brought his brand new xb.ox k.inne.ct and everybody sat around and watched each other play. All of a sudden aunt, uncle, cousins and cousins spouses disappear into a room. I didn't think anything about it and continued playing with one of the kids. Then I see my mom crying so I follow her into the kitchen.
(you know where this is going right? Of course you do)
I ask mom what's going on and she says that she needs to tell me something. I say "someones pregnant right?" Her response is "both of them. Both unexpected too."
Of course mom is crying so I feel like I need to put on a brave face. I talk to her hug her, yadda yadda yadda.
Now let me insert here that I am very open about IF and my family is very sympathetic and supportive.
Anyway, I retreated to the bathroom and let a few tears fall. Mom comes and finds me, more hugs. I go out into the kitchen and both preggers, one cousin, and hubs suddenly stop talking and turn around to stare at me. It was like that was all I could physically take. Just knowing that they were there talking about me and feeling sorry for me was too much to handle. I held it together just long enough to hug them both and tell them congratulations and they said that they love me. Here's where is starts getting ugly. I tried to retreat to the bathroom again to collect myself but it was occupied. The closest room I could find was one of the little boys rooms so I slid in and shut the door. Once the tears starting rolling there was no stopping them. Wouldn't you know though that that's when cousin walked in to put his little boy to bed. He tried to tell me to stay but I practically ran out and retreated outside with everyone watching. At this point I was crying just as much from embarrassment as from the announcements.
A few minutes later hubs came out and hugged me while I cried. He told me that if it would make me feel better that we could put another iui on our credit card. I changed the subject though because I dont want to make decisions like that being so emotional. Anyway, he eventually got me calmed down and we walked back in the house holding hands and laughing. Luckily everyone pretended like nothing happened and the evening went on as normal.
Honestly I love my family so much and really am happy for them. I want nothing but good things for them and their pregnancies. It just hurts because it's something that I can't have. I can't have a surprise pregnancy or an oops baby. I can't say well if it happens then it happens. I might never be able to get and stay pregnant. I might never have a child. And honestly? That freakin breaks my heart.

*if you made it this far, thank you. It helps to know that your out there reading this. I do apologize though for how jumbled I'm sure this post is. In my defense though it is almost 1am after a very emotional night.*

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I stopped by the dollar store on my way home and they were out of OPKs. So instead of driving out of my way to try another store I decided to take it as a sign.

"relaxing" and not worry about it is supposed to be what taking a break is about right? That is possible... Right??

Sent from my iPhone


It's CD20 on an unmedicated cycle and my CM is pretty "wet" and plentiful. It certainly isn't eggwhite but it's pretty rare for me to get that. Also my cervix is pretty open.

Could it be?!? Could I actually be ovulating on my own?? Or does my body just hate me that much to fake me out like that?

I will definitely be stopping by the dollar store on the way home for some OPKs because you know I can't just let it go. :)

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Dang it's been a long time. Other than life being busy my only excuse is that my laptop broke. I left it plugged into the wall and one of the puppers tripped on the cord causing it to do a 360* dive off the table. One side is completely crushed and unrepairable. I do have access to my sister's computer since we are still staying with my mom but I don't like leaving my blog address in her history.

Luckily a good friend clued me in on how easy it is to blog from your phone so hopefully I will be able to post more! Since it's been so long I think the easiest way to catch up is bullets.

• thank you so much to those that checked up on me! It means so much to me!

• Still not pregnant obviously. We have tried two medicated cycles since my last iui. This month the hubs asked that I not take any meds so we are officially on break.

• The week of Thanksgiving was hard. I miscarried the day before t-day last year so it brought back a lot of memories. However I think that I was able to work through it and enjoy myself despite being around tons of family with babies.

• By the end of this year the hubs and I will have paid off around $17,000 of credit card debt! This will make us debt free minus my car! Staying with my mom for longer than previously planned has really allowed us to pay it down fast without struggling in other areas.

• According to the hubs fertility treatments will be "revisited" in the new year once the credit cards are paid off. This actually gives me some hope since it's not an all out no.

• Somewhere deep down I have this feeling that it will take ivf for us to get pregnant. This scares the crap out of me because I can't imagine my husband agreeing to it.

• I am currently interviewing for a job as a receptionist for an optometrist. If I get the job it would end up being a slight pay cut but i think I would enjoy it much more and it would give me some more experience in the medical field. I already interviewed with the office manager and am waiting for her to call me with a time to meet the head dr.

• If anyone knows of a blog or two where they are in thr same position as me (ei no treatment due to money and/or spouse disagreement) I would appreciate you pointing me their way. It seems like most of the girls I follow are now pregnant or parenting (which is fabulous!) and I think it's time to search out some new blogs.

I'm really excited to get back to blogging... I miss you girls!

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Losin' my ever-lovin' mind

Today is 10dpiui and day 8 of the progesterone.

I am having some serious side effects/symptoms/pms.

  • My boobs feel like rocks. They are swollen, heavy and unbelievably sore. The problem is that them being this swollen just makes hubs want to touch them more.
  • I have horrible gas. My stomach was so bloated from gas this morning that I had to unbutton my pants at work. Luckily, I was wearing a long top that covered it.
  • I am so so hormonal. Everyone around me irritates me no matter what they do. Last night hubs and are were arguing and it felt like he just wasn't listening to what I was saying. I had a bad ugly cry. By the time I was done I had mascara all over my face. Then I felt fine like nothing had happened.
  • I have cramps. They seem to come and go but are definitely worse when I do something like lean forward in my chair.
  • I am exhausted. All the time.
This is all making feel crazy because all of these symptoms could be side effects of the progesterone. They could also be PMS, in fact for me, they are all good signs that AF is coming. It really sucks to know that it could be either one. ARGH! I just want to know one way or another.

Beta is on the 15th... I'm fairly certain that I won't make it that long...

Monday, August 30, 2010


  • Last Monday I hit a parked car and totaled my car. I looked at my radio for a second and never saw it coming. Luckily it was a super old, paid off car but my pride was/is definitely hurt.
  • Thursday evening I bought a car. I went in having no clue what I wanted. My biggest dilemma was whether or not to get something that would fit a car seat and stroller. I hated that I had to consider that since who knows when it will happen, but I'm the kind of person that drives a car for forever so I had to think about it. I ended up buying a black 2009 Dodge Journey. I didn't think that I would end up with something so new but it was a great deal. So far, I'm really liking it.

  • Saturday night I gave myself my trigger shot. My mom and sister were horrified.. :)
  • This morning we had the IUI. The Hub's "sample" was excellent according to the dr. He said that look for over 10 million and hubs had 70 million! He ended up having to leave before the actual IUI to go to work. I had the IUI and the dr said everything looked good.
  • I took the day off work today. My boss was NOT happy about it but I really wanted to be able to relax today. I know that they say that it's not necessary to take it easy or anything but in my crazy mind it is...
  • My beta is Sept. 15... I dunno but that seems like an awfully long time away....

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Appointment Part 2

I'm going to have to give a little back story for this one...
Since I was about 17 I have suspected that I have thyroid issues. Besides having basically all of the symptoms, almost all of the women in my family have had some kind of thyroid issue. Every time I have had it checked I have been told that while it's slightly elevated it's still within in the normal range. A few years ago I started getting comments from my mom, aunt, grandma, etc about one of the glands in my neck looking swollen. Around that time I ended up at my primary dr for something else when she mentioned the same thing. She sent me for an ultrasound. Again, slightly abnormal but still not enough to treat it.

Ever since we have been trying to have a baby I have been worried about my thyroid being one of the issues so I have been really pushing my PCP to treat me for it. About a month ago I had another ultrasound that was once again irregular but "nothing to worry about". This time I called the nurse and asked her to check with my dr about treating me for it anyway. The nurse made me feel so stupid for even asking, saying things like "why would you want to be on medicine if you don't need it.. I don't understand" that I just let it go.

Fast forward to today. I got a call from the RE's office letting me know that my results from my thyroid bloodwork were back. The dr wants to start me on medication immediately. I asked if this could have been effecting my fertility this whole time and her answer was "of course".

While I am relieved that something is finally being done about this, I am pissed that it has taken this long. I know my body and I knew that there was something wrong but no one would listen to me. Aside from the whole affecting my fertility issue (which obviously really pisses me off) there are other things that are upsetting. I have spent the past few years feeling like I can never get enough sleep. I am always exhausted and can hardly ever make it through a movie with the hubs without falling asleep. Also I have been working my ass off at a bootcamp for 4 weeks in the 100 plus degree weather and have seen no results. No weight or inches lost.

I'm just pissed. I'm trying to figure out what I am going to say when I call my PCP and request to have the dr call me directly. Any suggestions?

The Appointment Part I

I have two slightly big things to talk about so I'm going to go ahead and do two separate posts today

Yesterday morning I had an appointment with the RE. It was the same clinic I've been to but a different dr. This was the dr that I saw when I was miscarrying. It was the day before Thanksgiving and she was on her way out of town when I called. She agreed to stay late to see me so needless to say I really like her. I made the appointment because hubs really felt it was important for us to have a plan before we start cycling.

Basically we went over my options, IUI with Clomid, IUI with injectables and IVF. Her recommendation is that we try IUI with Clomid two more times. She thinks that the risk of multiples (esp. triplets) is too high with injects if I respond well to Clomid. She also said though that it was completely up to us. If we decided we wanted to do the injects we could and if we decided we wanted to do IVF we could do that too. She also looked at my blood work from last year and reran my thyroid functions.

The dr spent a lot of time asking about everything that we have tried. She kept saying that she knew that me and my body have been through a lot. It was actually nice to hear her say that. I think sometimes I feel like what I'm doing shouldn't feel hard because I'm not doing monitored treatments. To have her say it almost validated my feelings.

Tonight, Hubs and I sat down and discussed everything. I showed him the chart that she showed me with success rates, costs, and risks. After talking we think that we will be going with the dr's recommendation and doing the IUI with Clomid. Now we are just waiting for me to start my period, which should be any minute now.

While this appointment made me excited to be starting treatments again, I'm also a little sad. Two more IUIs before IVF is not very much. To know that it's coming down to that is scary.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Might get to start treatments soon!!

I called my RE and another local clinic today. For some reason I have had a really hard time just making the call. I have said that I was going to get this done for over a week and have just been putting it off. When I finally did it today, I had knots in my stomach the whole time. Weird huh?

Hubs and are really starting to feel like it's time to be more aggressive. (really I've always felt this way but I think that he is finally starting to come around!) I called the other clinic today because I wanted to do some price comparisons. This clinic charges about the same for an IUI but they charge $300 for the initial visit. I called my regular RE and they said that although I don't really need to make an "initial visit" appointment, if I wanted to come in and talk to the dr first they would use wrong diagnosis codes so they my insurance would cover it. Honestly, that kind of ruled out the other RE right away. :)

I also asked about the price difference between an IUI with Clomid and an IUI with injectables. Lately I have really been thinking about asking about doing injects just because I really want to be more aggressive. However, there's a much bigger difference in the prices than I thought. A Clomid IUI is $950 (not including meds) and a injectable IUI is $1550 (not including meds). Apparently difference is that there is more blood work included with the injects cycle. And lets not forget how expensive injectables are when you have to self-pay.

When I talked to mom about it she just about sent out an email to all our family asking for donations right then and there. :) Not sure how I feel about that but she definitely thinks it's a valid option.

I haven't gotten to talk to Hubs about it. Our work schedule vary so much right now that it'll have to wait until tomorrow. It totally wouldn't surprise me though if he shot down the more expensive option right away. Baby steps right? :)

**Totally off subject but Mic at IFCrossroads is having her baby girl tomorrow!! I'm so excited for her! Go give her some love and wish her luck!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

July 27, 2010

Had life gone differently, I would either be holding my sweet baby or eagerly awaiting their arrival.
Today was my estimated due date for my baby. July 27, 2010.
I am trying very hard to only think about the fact that I was blessed with that life even though it was so short. Yesterday and today have been hard, of course and I have definitely had my moments of tears. This was not how things were supposed to go.


Dear sweet Baby C,
I miss you so much! You were only with us for a very short time but you brought your Daddy and I more joy than you know. Those few days that we knew about you were wonderful. You touched our lives in a way that we could never have imagined. I can't wait to see you in Heaven some day. Until then I hope that you know how much we love you.
Love, your Momma


When I miscarried I thought that we would for sure be pregnant again by now. That just makes it hurt that much more.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Substance Award

This lovely award is from Lucky Jones at Happy High Heels! Thank you girlie! Don't know that my blog has much substance these days but I'll take it! ;)

The Rules for Acceptance of this Award are fairly simple:

  • Thank the blogger who bestowed the Award on you.

  • Sum up your blogging experience, philosophy and motivation in five (5) words.

  • Pass the Award on to 10 deserving bloggers.

Hmmm... I guess my five words would have to be education, therapy, infertility, support and faith. The blogging community has provided me with all of these!

So, here are my 10 Nominees:

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Happy things!

This past weekend was a rough one. I was ovulating and my heart just wasn't in it. I was feeling hopeless and depressed. Honestly, I think that after 2 1/2 years it pretty normal for me to feel like this every once and a while but I know myself and know that if I let it a little depression will pull me down fast like quicksand. So, I thought I'd share a few things that kept me at bay from the loony-bin and a smile on my face.

Orly nail polish in Charged Up
I actually bought this weekend before last but every time I looked down at my toes I felt a little happy. :) I almost didn't "splurge" the whole $4.50 since I had just bought clothes but I'm so glad I did!

Marbled Cheesecake Brownies

My mom made these for me and really do I need to say any more? ;)

Hubs fixed the jets in my mom's tub

(We are staying with her but more on that later) We decided to put a TON of bubble bath in a turn the jets on. It was C-R-A-Z-Y! This pic was taken after I cleaned up a bathroom full of bubbles. (Oh and the Smirnoff's didn't hurt either ;)

These two lovies

These two are always there for me, no matter what. They know when I need snuggles and when I need to laugh. I love them so much!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


A lot has happened since I last updated so hopefully tonight I will write a few posts and catch up some!

One of the oldest updates is the newest member of our family, Jax (pronounced Jacks). The hubs and I had been thinking about getting another dog for a while. We wanted one more for Jade then us since she was spending quite a bit of time alone. I really wanted another Boston Terrier but hubs vetoed "buying" a dog. He said it was silly since there are so many dogs out there that need homes. My only requirement was that the dog was female and small-ish. We spent months visiting shelters and perusing website but could never find "the one".

After basically giving up hubs called me at work and said that one of his coworkers had found a puppy in a graveyard and couldn't keep it. They sent me a picture and although he was cute I immediately said no when I found out he was male. (I have had horrible experiences with male dogs that pee all over the house all the time.) They then proceeded to send me picture after picture with captions about what a sweet puppy he is. After two hours of arguing, I gave in with the condition that hubs tell them we would take him on a trial basis for the weekend and if it didn't work out they would take him back.

I then took Jade up the hub's restaurant to pick up the puppy. As soon as I got there the lady said "Oh look! Here's your new mommy!" and I knew hubs had never said anything to them about a trial. So I took the poor thing home and tried to reassure him. He was terrified! For the first three days he did nothing but sleep, pee and eat. He was so sickly that one time he peed on the couch in his sleep and didn't even notice. We took him to the vet and everything checked out so we just figured he was malnourished.

Those first days were pretty bad. He was obviously sick and honestly, I was tired of cleaning up after him. Things seemed like they got a little better after a while and then they went down hill again. All of a sudden he was peeing everywhere and all the time. We are talking waking up to pee 3 times in the middle of the night and peeing a ton every time. At some point he peed on our bed twice and we ended up at the vet again. They did all kinds of tests including bloodwork and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a slightly enlarged kidney and the bloodwork showed signs of Canine Leptospirosis. Without going into too much detail it cause the kidneys to not absorb any water and it's contagious to humans. After a ton more tests, a negative lepto test and lots of vet visits thing started getting better. To this day neither us or our vet know what was originally wrong. I do know though that we didn't even have to potty train him after he started getting better, he just never had any accidents.

To make a long story short, we had a rough start but he's fitting right in with out family! :)
Here are a few pictures of the little man...

This him at the vet. Poor baby was only 7lbs at 4-6 months old.

He loves to sleep with his head hanging over things. Weirdo...

It's really hard to get decent pictures of him since he is so black and so hyper! So this is pretty much all I have. This is from today...

**edited to add: Don't know what's going on with Blogger but my spacing is completely different than how I arranged it... hope it's readable!**

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Knew that would do it

In this past couple of days I have done everything I could to make my period start. I know you can't technically "make" your period start but everyone know that there are some things that the minute you do them, you start. For instance:

  • I have taken a pregnancy test. It seems like whenever I do this I start that day.
  • I have had sex with the hubs. If AF is on the way then this always starts the spotting.
  • I have worn white underwear.
  • I have worn white underwear with a skirt.
  • I have worn no underwear to bed.

All that brought me nothing, nadda, so I knew I had to bring out the big guns.

  • I bought freakin $8 pregnancy tests.
  • I shared my feelings about hoping I was pregnant and being late with not only my mom but with yall. It seems like everytime I let someone else know that I am hoping and thinking I'm pregnant, I get my period and feel like an idiot.

Well, that did it ladies. I knew it would. At 4am my dog woke me up cause he apparently had to pee. I stood up and felt a huge gush.

Now I get the pleasure of returning those stupid $8 tests. Whoop-ee.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Maybe, Maybe not...

I friggin hate this! Every month I know I'm pregnant, get all kinds of symptoms, take a test, and get my period. Every month like clock work. That's where I am this month and I want your opinions.
Here are the facts:

  • This was a medicated cycle.
  • Today is CD 32.
  • Fertility Friend says my average cycle is 30 days, shortest cycle is 25 days and longest is 36 days.
  • I don't have a definite ovulation day because I didn't want to use OPKs this month.
  • I tested on Saturday (CD29) and on Sunday(CD30) and got a negative both times.
  • I have not had any spotting.
Here are the gray areas (gonna talk about poop so skip this is your squeamish):
  • I have had some cramping but nothing consistent. A few days ago, I actually thought something might be wrong because I was having sharp pains on the right side of my pelvic area. The pains have stopped but if I do something like sit forward in my chair things feel "tight" in that area. Every once in a while a have a cramp and then it goes away.
  • My boobs, oh gosh, my boobs! I almost smacked the hubs when he grabbed them. The sides are super sore and my nipples are real sensitive. This happened when I got pregnant but also sometimes happens with my period.
  • The last couple of days when I poop there is a lot of pressure. I'm not constipated but when I push I feel a lot of pressure not only in my bottom but in my pelvic area too. Today, I have pooped every couple of hours.
  • Usually when I am about to start I feel ravished all the time, now I just feel normal hunger at meal times.
So my plan was to test again on Saturday so that if it was negative I would have to day to hibernate if I want. When I came home I realized that I didn't have any sticks so I picked some up while I was picking up my prescriptions. The problem is since them I have been thinking about it nonstop and am now thinking that if I test tomorrow and it's positive I could talk the dr into doing a beta and have the results before the weekend. Gah! Why do I do this to myself???

So, opinion? Should I test tomorrow? Should I test Friday? Saturday? Have you had this poop problem before (pregnancy or nonpregnancy related)? Help me ladies!!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The one where I try to lay it all out there

So yeah, it's been a while. Like over a month. To be honest, I've been avoiding you, all of you. Avoiding my blog, avoiding your blog, avoiding Project IF, and avoiding LFCA.

I've been avoiding Project IF because that would mean that I would have to look at the questions that make me uncomfortable. I would have to look at the possibility that I might never have a child.

I have been avoiding LFCA and your blogs because I'm jealous of you. I'm not only jealous of those of you who are and have recently become pregnant but I'm jealous of those of you who are pursuing treatment. Right now I am taking Femara and that's it. We have no plans of trying IUIs again or anything else. Because we got pregnant once with just Femara, the hubs thinks that there is no reason for us to do anything else. So while I know it sounds stupid, I'm jealous of those of you who are having surgery, getting ultrasounds, and doing IUIs and IVF.

Lastly, I've been avoiding my blog because it's just easier that way. Every time I sit down to write something I come up with nothing. I just sit there and stare at the computer. Like I said, it's just easier.

All of these things pretty much come down to me avoiding my feelings about infertility. It's become easier for me to either turn off my feelings or not share them with anybody. That way I don't have to deal with them. Just have to walk through my life stuffing my feelings down.

So, I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting on your post, I have been reading them though. I've been a crappy bloggy friend. At this point I can only do so much but I'm gonna try harder.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

Let's talk about excuses for a minute, shall we?

You see, I am the master of excuse-making.
Why didn't I do any house work all week?
Why am I always running late?
Why did I eat a whole bag of Reeses Pieces?

I can give you a million excuses right off the top of my head.

"I was too tired, duh..."
"I planned on doing it tomorrow..."
"I got too busy..."
"I must have slept through my alarm..."
"I didn't have a big dinner..."
"It's just a one time thing..."

My biggest one, however, is why I have let my weight get out of control and more importantly why I NEVER exercise. Some of my excuses for the first are valid... infertility and PCOS for example. The latter though? Not so valid. The excuses range anywhere from "I have to get home to let my dogs out" and "I'm in the 2 week wait so I don't want to exert myself just in case I'm pregnant". Yeah, not so valid reasons. The really sad part is that my employer pays for me to have a gym membership to a very nice gym. Pathetic huh? I just can't get myself there. After work all I want to do is go home and there is no way in h*ll I'm getting up at 5am to go.

So on my way home from work today, I stopped by Target and bought this on a whim...

Now I have no excuse. I can exercise at home, take my dogs out, don't have to worry about the weather, and it only takes 20 minutes.

So, today was day 1 and let me tell you that Jillian kicked my butt. Seriously. It was intense, hard and tiring. My body is WAY out of shape. By the time I was done I was drenched in so much sweat I couldn't sit anywhere and had to shower immediately. An hour and a half later my legs were still shaking.

I'm feeling pretty dang good that I made it all the way through. Now if I can just keep it going I will be feeling even better. :)

Monday, March 15, 2010


My boss sends out daily emails with a inspirational quotes. They are usually pretty stupid and I typically skip over them. Today's, though, reminded me of all you girls.

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
Mary Anne Radmacher

Sometimes I think that women who are struggling with infertility think of themselves as weak, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. You are all so strong. You all get up every morning and live your lives even though infertility is hanging over your head every second of the day. You are brave and courageous. Don't ever forget that.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


I hope this doesn't come out choppy... I'm hopped up on drugs and not thinking too clearly... If it does, I'm sorry!

After I typed my last post I spent the afternoon and evening lying on the couch feeling like I *might* be getting sick. Did the same thing all day Sunday after POAS, getting a negative and NOT getting my period.
I went to work on Monday with a pretty sore throat but since I didn't have any other symptoms I thought it might just be bad allergies. By Monday night I had no voice, was exhausted, and still had no period symptoms.
Tuesday morning I POAS since I still had no symptoms and got a negative. I felt horrible and contemplated calling in to work but since I had a meeting scheduled for Thursday to talk about my getting a raise I decided to make myself go. I spent the whole time I was getting ready with tears rolling down my face because I felt so awful. It's pretty common for me to cry when I don't feel good so I didn't think anything of it.
While I was at work I started hacking up a storm and felt a gush. Honestly I thought I had just had some pee-leakage (kinda common for me). However when I got to the restroom, much to my surprise my underwear was full of mucus and bright red blood.
This is so not common for me. I always have a couple of days of awful PMS and spotting as a warning. I have never once bled through my panties like most women.
Anyway, back to Tuesday, I just went to my boss and was honest and told her that I would have to go home to clean up and change. Since that would give me an occurrence anyway (stupid) and I was sick I would just stay home. By Tuesday night I had a very low-grade fever and body aches.
I called in Wednesday and ended up at the doctor. She tested for strep throat and H1N1. Thankfully I have neither. Just a severe sinus infection .
So, I've been sick since Saturday and have yet to start feeling better. I'm bored and lonely (hubs works evenings and nights). The only upside is that I'm down to just barely spotting now. Lovely huh?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Feeling Betrayed

Today is CD30 on a medicated cycle. I have no period, no cramps, no spotting, no pms, no sore boobs, nadda. Should be good news right? It would be if the test I took this morning wasn't negative.

**please don't tell me that there is still hope, I know that... however, it doesn't help.

It's not even the negative that gets to me so much. I'm getting pretty used to that. It's the fact that I work so hard at not getting my hopes up. I don't even test until I'm late. I work so hard at it and my body works just as hard to make me get my hopes up. Would a little pms or spotting be too much to ask for? Really?

I'm just tired. Tired of being betrayed by my body. Tired of this shit.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bloggy Makeover!

Guess who got a new blog design???

If your reading this on your Reader go ahead and click over.

C'mon! You know you wanna!!

Isn't it pretty?? I L-O-V-E it!

My good friend, Alison, over at the Privileged Infertile did it for me. If you've been thinking about a makeover for your blog you should really look at some of her work! I really didn't give her a whole lot to go on as far as what I wanted but she seemed to get it since she hit it on the nail! You can check out her pricing here. You can also view some other blogs she's done at This Giggly Girl.

And even if you aren't interested in her work you should go over and offer her a hug. She recently found out her 2nd IUI didn't work and well, you ladies know how that goes...

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Big Vent

Change of plans... I need to get this out.

Today my close cousin delivered her second baby within two years. Both babies were conceived with contraceptives and both about 3 months before they planned on starting to try. In fact, this is how all of the women in my family are. F-E-R-T-I-L-E Myrtles. Anyway, back to today.

I have done really well with accepting it and being happy for her. I love her little girl and know that I will love this baby boy. It isn't her fault that I'm infertile and it isn't her fault that she's as fertile as they come. I may not be "cool" with it but I will be ok.

What I'm not ok with is what this is doing to the people closest to me. For instance, I had planned to go see the baby today with my mom until she called and said she couldn't. She told me that she had spent the day crying because she hurt for me. She said that she couldn't go hold that perfect baby knowing that it should be my turn.

That kills me. It kills me because she feels that way because of me.

I know that it was not her intention to make me feel bad and I know that it's natural for her to hurt over this. However, I HATE the idea that she is feeling pain because of me. MY problems are hurting those around me. All this time that I have been crying to her and letting my true colors out, I could have been sparing her from that pain. I need to learn to keep it to myself. Just because I have to hurt doesn't mean those around me do.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Life is busy... I'm doing my best to keep up with yall's blogs but I'm definitely falling behind. I'm sorry!! Hopefully I'll be back soon!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

**Thanks for all the well wishes! I'm not quite better but I'll live.**

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I'm sick with some kind of stomach bug. Boo. I feel like I need to throw up all the time. I'm sure if I was a normal person I would be barfing, but noooooooooooooooooo. I NEVER throw up, EVER. I think the last time I did was about 5 years ago and that was only because I was given codeine which I'm allergic to. Before that? Who knows.... I just want some relief, is that too much for a girl to ask for??

Sunday, January 10, 2010

New haircut!

I splurged a bit this weekend and got my hair cut! It's amazing what such a little thing can do for your self esteem!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

My necklace

Right after my miscarriage I knew that I wanted to get something to remember the baby with, preferably some kind of jewelry. I looked for a couple of weeks but I couldn't find anything that "spoke" to me. I looked at every possible store online but everything was obviously for a miscarriage. I didn't want something that would cause people to ask questions and never named the baby so I didn't want anything engraved. I started to feel almost frantic about not having anything.
I have a necklace with a heart charm on it that hubs gave me while we were engaged. It always reminds me of him and how much he loves me. I ended up make a charm myself to go on the same necklace. I figure it was fitting to have a charm for hubs and a charm for the baby on the same chain.

The color of the bead is the birthstone for November. Technically, the my EDD was in July but we conceived in November, found out we were pregnant in November, and miscarried in November so it seemed fitting.

My favorite part is that most of the time, the charm sits snugly in the middle of the heart. :)

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm here!!

I've missed you girls! It's been so long that I'm gonna have to go bullet style on ya!

  • Thank you so much for all the support you've given me lately. I have gotten comments, emails, facebook messages and even a real-life snail mail package. Even though I don't always reply right away, they remind me that I am not going through this alone. Here is the angel ornament that I received from Lucky Jones:

(It says "Watch over us")
I know that it's technically a Christmas ornament but it's sitting on top of my TV even those all the decorations are packed away. :) Thank you again, hun!

  • Emotionally, I'm doing pretty good, if I do say so myself! Of course I have bad moments and whole bad days but I feel like I have accepted loosing my baby. I can't regret that moment in my life, it brought me so much happiness. Our baby was only alive for a few weeks but it was a baby none-the-less. I know that they will be waiting in heaven to greet me.
  • I started a new position within the same company this past week. It isn't a huge step up from my former position, but it's something. So far, I'm enjoying it. This is actually I haven't been around, blogging or commenting. I used to do the majority of it at work (shhh!) but with the new position I can't. Not only is my computer way out in the open but I'm just way too busy. I'm going to try to do better to keep up with everyone, really.
  • Hubs and I are doing good. He is working a ton and I feel like I'm seeing him less than usual but we're making do with what we have.
  • Our Christmas and New Year were both good. We pretty much spent 100 % of our Christmas time off with family and had a quiet New Year's Eve at home.
  • Lastly, after seriously convincing myself that I was pregnant AF arrived this morning full force. The pms this time around is miserable and I can't believe hubs is willing sitting here with me after all the bitching that has taken place. I am bleeding hard, and cramping and passing more clots than normal (leftover from the miscarriage?). I'm exhausted, hungry, cranky, crampy and emotional but over all happy that she is here so we can move on.
  • Look for a post (hopefully tomorrow?) about the necklace I wear now!