Saturday, September 12, 2009

You would think that I would have run out of tears by now...

On Thursday I was invited to have dinner at my aunt and uncles house with all the cousins, cousin's babies and grandparents. Since I have missed the last several "family get togethers" I figured I should attend. I did my very best to mentally prepare myself for the three young families that would be attending, including a 3 year old, a 1 1/2 year old, a just turned one year old, and a one month old. Oh yeah, and did I mention the pregnant girl? I even texted the pg cousin that morning to tell her that I missed her. I also asked if she had plans for the weekend and if she wanted to do something. I never heard anything back from her so I assumed she didn't receive the text.

When I finally got there that night I did fine. I met the new baby for the first time and gave everyone hugs. Then it started. "It" being the fact all anyone could talk about was babies. "I is starting to walk! All E ever does is get into trouble! A is sooo cute! D is sleeping so good! We find out what sex the baby is on Wednesday!"

It suddenly felt like the bottom 3/4 of my lungs had been filled with concrete. It was like it was physically impossible to take a deep breath. All I could do was take small, short gasps. Even though all I could think about was the fact that I could hardly breathe, I did my best to hide it.

When it came time to have dessert I sat down with my pg cousin. I kept waiting for her to say something like "Sorry I never texted you back..." but she didn't, so I brought it up. Her response? "Yeah, I got it." Silence.

I don't know why that one incident upset me so much. Maybe it was the feeling of rejection when I already felt like I didn't fit in, but whatever it was that was it for me. I could not do it anymore. I could not breathe at all. After saying my goodbyes and claiming to be super tired, I practically ran to my car.

As soon as I got in the car I began gasping for air as tears welled up in my eyes. I cried the entire 30 minute drive home. As I sobbed, I didn't even bother to wipe the tears from my eyes, I just let them roll down my face. While my body shook, I yelled "Why me?" at God. When I had almost arrived home, the tears started to dry up and I suddenly realized that I could finally breathe. Deep, wonderful, refreshing breathes.

7 comments:

Robin said...

So sorry, Coco. We have all been there before in some way, shape, or form. Does your family know you are TTC? If so, then they were being rude and insensitive. If not, they are just ignorant. But either way, I'm sorry you had such a bad night.

:(

Lauren said...

Oh Coco. My heart aches for you.

Christine said...

I am so sorry! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Steph O. said...

(((((HUGE HUGS)))))

I'm sorry Coco. I've been there before. I give you major kudos for going though. I agree w/Robin- if your family knows that was cruel.

Stacie said...

Oh Coco. I am so sorry. I know how much things like that hurt. There isn't enough you can do to prepare yourself for a night like that. Hugs to you.

Melissa said...

Huge ((hugs)). I remember how difficult those family get-togethers were for me back in the TTC days. It's incredibly painful and hurtful at the same time. There's nothing wrong with avoiding family functions if it means preserving your emotional wellbeing.

junebug said...

I am so sorry!! It is such a double edged sword. To attend or not to attend, either way I lament.