Thursday, February 26, 2009

Tennis Match

Every cycle there is a very small part of my brain that think I am pregnant. This is the hopeful part of my brain. That part finds something different about the cycle that must mean I am pg. This cycle I had sore boobs which I almost never have, or at least I convinced myself I don't.

The rest of my brain is the realistic part. That part knows that AF is coming. It recognizes the symptoms and takes it for what it's worth. It knows that I am not pregnant.

For the past few days the hopeful and realistic sides of my brain have been battling for my sanity. It has felt like a tennis match inside my head. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

I have been checking my panties like once every half hour. I was practically begging AF to come. While I was begging, though, the hopeful side of the brain was saying, "You just don't want to jinx it by thinking it. Don't worry... your pregnant!" I just wanted it to end. I just wanted to know one way or another.

I FINALLY started this morning. Woo-hoo for me. :/ Just because I knew it was coming and practically wanted it to hurry up doesn't mean that it isn't disappointing. Wouldn't it have been nice to call the RE and say "I don't need you afterall! I can make a baby on my own!" Ahh, a girl can dream can't she?


AJ48 said...

Sorry Lady - I was rooting for ya! But at least now you can get started with the IUI's...I wish you all the luck for that BFP!!!

AJ48 said...

Sorry Lady - I was rooting for ya! But at least now you can get started with the IUI's...I wish you all the luck for that BFP!!!

Morgan said...

I know the last thing you want to hear is advice from someone who just had a baby. I'm sure you are thinking in your head.."you dont understand it, you just had a baby!" but I really do understand. Keep in mind, it did take me over a year and a half to conceive this little boy and it was hell trying. Pure hell.

My mind played tricks on me too. I think at some points in time I even made up symptoms just because I wanted to be pregnant so badly. I had a headache, I was pregnant. My boobs hurt, I was pregnant. I was sick at my stomach, I was pregnant. You name it, I thought I was pregnant and it makes it that much harder when your period does come.

The only advice I can give you is that this is not the end of the road. You still have so many options yet so keep your head up hun! Oneday when you are holding your precious baby, you will look back on all of this and think how worth it it was.

Chele said...

Hugs! I think anyone that has been ttc for a long time play those head games. I will tell you that each and every time I've been pregnant I swore the hag was about to show. In the boys cases I had a light period. With our loss last year I didn't have any spotting or bleeding.

++++ vibes that your turn for a BFP is close.

Melissa said...

((Hugs)) So sorry to hear that AF came after all. I hope next cycle brings your long-awaited BFP.