Friday, November 27, 2009

I have started this post a billion times and I delete it every time. Somehow no post seems to convey my feelings, or seem eloquent enough for the situation. And honestly, it just hurts to bad to try and relive the things that happened on Wednesday. Hopefully I will be able to. Just not now, not while I am just trying to make it through the day.




On Wednesday I began to miscarry my baby. The baby that I loved with my entire being. The baby that brought joy not only to me and my husband but to everyone close to us.

I know that I only knew about that baby for 4 days but the things is, that was MY baby. I loved that baby from the minute it was conceived and I will love that baby until I die.

Wednesday was probably the hardest day I have ever lived so far. I actually remember saying that I felt like I was dying inside. But, I made it through. Made it through Wednesday, made it through Thursday and in one minute I will have made it through Friday. I will make it, I just need some time.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Update of all updates

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint..."
Psalms 6:1-2


So, yeah, it's been a while. I have been trying really hard to not focus on all the bad aspects of infertility and not blogging seemed to help with that. I did take Femara this cycle so that I would actually have some type of chance though. The 2 week wait has actually been pretty good. I did have one fairly bad breakdown. I started having some cramps and was feeling VERY emotional. Since that day I have been tired, emotional, and hungry all the time with super sore boobies which is pretty normal AF symptoms for me. The thing is as of this morning (CD 34-4 days late) I hadn't started or had any spotting. So I went to the dollar store and picked up some cheapies. Here are the results from this morning:




Because the dye is smeared in the first one and the second line in the second one is so faint I had myself convinced that they were both evap lines or false positives. I sat around for hours until I finally woke hubs up to look at them. He said that he saw the lines but wasn't going to believe it until he saw something more definitive. At that point I took some pics of them and sent them to some girlfriends who are also struggling with IF. After a long lovely shower with the hubs ;) I got an email back saying that I needed to get my butt to the store to get a FRER. Hubs left for work and I left for the grocery store.

After paying for the tests I went straight to the bathroom and POAS(yes I POAS in a public bathroom :). This is what I got without even using FMU:



That's right ladies!! I am pregnant!

So, I drove over to Hub's work and had him meet me in the parking lot. I handed him the test and started hysterically laughing. I would say "I'm pregnant" and he would say "No your not" between giggles. He kept saying that we didn't know until I went to the doctor and I kept saying "but I KNOW!" We hugged and I cried, I'm sure we looked a bit weird. I think it is going to take some time for him to adjust to the idea, but I know that he is happy. EEEE!

After about 22 months of TTC, The Lord has answered my prayers. God is so good.


"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever."

Psalms 107:1

Thursday, October 29, 2009

What faith can do

In the car, on my way home from work today, I was contemplating why it is that I, of all people, got stuck with IF. I was passing by a bus stop and watching a mom struggle to cross the street with her toddler and infant in a shopping cart. All I could think was "Why the hell does she get to have babies and not me? I'm sure I would be a better mother than her!" That's when I heard myself. Seriously?!? Was I really judging someone I knew nothing about? Is that what IF has done to me? So, I turned on the local christian radio station in hopes of hearing something a little more encouraging than the pop music I was listening to. Then, I said a prayer. Just a short prayer asking God to help me change my attitude. That was when this song came on the radio..

"What Faith Can Do" by Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise


It was just what I needed to hear.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Oh, hot flashes, how I loathe you...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Jade reads your blogs too!

Posted by Picasa

So, where have I been? hmmm... Actually, I've been right here. I have still been reading your blogs, just not really commenting and really not posting. For some reason, words have seemed to escape me. I think about posting something all the time, but when it comes down to it, nothing. That's kind of how I have been feeling all around lately. Just kind of "eh". A little empty. It's no surprise, really. I am doing my best to maintain my sanity while playing an endless waiting game. So, sometimes I'll be here and sometimes I won't. Easy peasy.

Love you girls!

An Award

Thank you Robin for the award!


Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award

4. Have Fun!


The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? arm-rest

2. Your hair? Red

3. Your mother? Amazing

4. Your father? Unnecessary

5. Your favorite food? cheese

6. Your dream last night? dunno

7. Your favorite drink? coke

8. Your dream/goal? Pregnancy

9. What room are you in? Livingroom

10. Your hobby? reading

11. Your fear? barren

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? SAHM

13. Where were you last night? Gym

14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. Wish list item? Pregnancy

17. Where did you grow up? Here

18. Last thing you did? Worked

19. What are you wearing? T-shirt

20. Your TV? old

21. Your pets? adorable

22. Friends? diverse

23. Your life? blessed

24. Your mood? eh

25. Missing someone? hubs

26. Vehicle? granny-mobile

27. Something you’re not wearing? bra :)

28. Your favorite store? target

29. Your favorite color? pink

30. When was the last time you laughed? afternoon

31. Last time you cried? morning

32. Your best friend? hubs

33. One place that I go to over and over? toilet :)

34. One person who emails me regularly? facebook

35. Favorite place to eat? Bei-Fang


As soon as I post this I will start a post on where I've been.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

It's a bird! It's a plane! No wait! It's Super Sperm!



While Hubs and I were shopping last weekend, we stopped by the Halloween store that just opened up. To my surprise this is what I found:

Super Sperm

"Description:No one will believe that you entered the party as Super Sperm this year. This bulging white bodysuit is padded with muscles in the arms and legs. A long snake-esque tail, dome shaped headpiece and white gloves are also included. Plus, the Super Sperm logo is printed square in the chest. You'll strike fear or hilarity into those around you with this unique superhero costume. Hit the town with your archenemy, Captain Condom, for a hilarious night."

For a mere $52.99 you can become Super Sperm. If only it was that easy...


Find it here.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Would the real AF please stand up?

About a week ago I found out that I have refills of my Femara left. Even though I know I am doing it without dr.'s approval I decided to go ahead do a medicated cycle. I am tired of doing nothing. I want to at least have a smidgen of a chance.

It seems as though the bitch (AF) seems to have other plans for me. According to FF I am due to start on Wednesday (CD 31) or possibly Thursday (CD32). On Wednesday (CD 24) I began to have PMS symptoms. Very slight spotting began on Friday (CD 26) and when I say slight I mean slight. Nothing on my panties, only when I wipe, pink CM slight. That went on for 3 days never getting darker. As of today all of my PMS symptoms and spotting are gone. I don't even feel like I can count the spotting as a super light AF because of how little there was.

I'm hoping, HOPING that the real AF will show up so I can do a medicated cycle. If it doesn't I won't be able to take the Femara. Boo.


*And before you ladies start telling me that it could be "special" implantation spotting I am pretty sure that I didn't ovulate this month.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

You would think that I would have run out of tears by now...

On Thursday I was invited to have dinner at my aunt and uncles house with all the cousins, cousin's babies and grandparents. Since I have missed the last several "family get togethers" I figured I should attend. I did my very best to mentally prepare myself for the three young families that would be attending, including a 3 year old, a 1 1/2 year old, a just turned one year old, and a one month old. Oh yeah, and did I mention the pregnant girl? I even texted the pg cousin that morning to tell her that I missed her. I also asked if she had plans for the weekend and if she wanted to do something. I never heard anything back from her so I assumed she didn't receive the text.

When I finally got there that night I did fine. I met the new baby for the first time and gave everyone hugs. Then it started. "It" being the fact all anyone could talk about was babies. "I is starting to walk! All E ever does is get into trouble! A is sooo cute! D is sleeping so good! We find out what sex the baby is on Wednesday!"

It suddenly felt like the bottom 3/4 of my lungs had been filled with concrete. It was like it was physically impossible to take a deep breath. All I could do was take small, short gasps. Even though all I could think about was the fact that I could hardly breathe, I did my best to hide it.

When it came time to have dessert I sat down with my pg cousin. I kept waiting for her to say something like "Sorry I never texted you back..." but she didn't, so I brought it up. Her response? "Yeah, I got it." Silence.

I don't know why that one incident upset me so much. Maybe it was the feeling of rejection when I already felt like I didn't fit in, but whatever it was that was it for me. I could not do it anymore. I could not breathe at all. After saying my goodbyes and claiming to be super tired, I practically ran to my car.

As soon as I got in the car I began gasping for air as tears welled up in my eyes. I cried the entire 30 minute drive home. As I sobbed, I didn't even bother to wipe the tears from my eyes, I just let them roll down my face. While my body shook, I yelled "Why me?" at God. When I had almost arrived home, the tears started to dry up and I suddenly realized that I could finally breathe. Deep, wonderful, refreshing breathes.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Crafty-Crafty!

I signed up for this over on Steph O.'s Blog. I have seen this on a lot of people's blogs but hopefully there is someone out there who hasn't done it yet and wants to!

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you. I am definitely not very crafty but I will try my hardest! This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:


1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.

2- What I create will be just for you.

3-They say I have a year to get it to you. But I promise it will NOT take that long.

4- You have no clue what it's going to be. (nor do I at this point! :)

The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

So the first five people who post, and are willing to pass it along,will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Questions for you

I have been thinking about alternative methods to "jump start" my fertility. Some girlfriends and I have been recently talking about trying acupuncture. One of them used it to help induce labor naturally and swears by it now. I know nothing about it but it definitely sounds interesting.

So, my question is:

Has anyone tried it? Know someone who's tried it? Researched it? Know anything about it?

Friday, August 21, 2009

It's the little things

Reasons to not wallow in depression about infertility today:

1. My husband will be off with me tonight.

2. Although our brand new washer broke the day we bought it (more on that later), we have family that is more than willing to let us do laundry at their house.

3. It's payday so I get to go out for lunch.

4. The day is half over.

5. I get to sleep in tomorrow.


I know it's bad that I am having to stretch just to list 5 things but hey, I'm trying and that's what counts, right?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Almost Wordless Wednesday




I love when her lip(s) get stuck in her teeth


I <3>

I'm here, well kinda...

I just want to apologize to you girls. I know that I have been doing a horrible job of commenting. I am reading, though. Some days it seems like that is all I can do.

Last week our washer broke. I'm convinced it broke because we were doing a really good job at saving. I feel like we keep taking one step forward and two steps back.

I'm also in the midst of fighting with my insurance company about an $800 bill for my HSG. Everyone keeps telling me not to give up on it. In fact, my obgyn nurse told me to "give them hell". I can't seem to work myself up to that though. Every time I even think about calling I have an anxiety attack. I know I can't just forget about it and hope it will go away but I want to so bad.

Jade was spayed on the 7th. Last Friday she started bleeding like she would while she was in heat. Took her to the vet and it seems that her body is possibly having a reaction to the sutures. She is on antibiotics and the bleeding has slowed down to spotting, thankfully. However, it is a huge pain to keep her covered and she's getting annoyed with her "diaper".

Despite the fact that my mind is racing all the time, most days I do really good. I go to work, go to the gym, come home, eat, shower and go to bed. The gym has turned out to be a real blessing. By the time I get home I am exhausted and don't have enough energy to obsess over TTC or my lack there of. I just have to keep reminding myself to pray for strength.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

A New Award

I got a new award this weekend! Steph gave me an Inspiration Award.

Thank you girl! I'm not going to choose girls to give this to because you are all my inspiration. When I have those moments in my day where I feel like I can't possibly do "this" anymore, I just log onto my Reader. Reading that there are women out there who are going through or have gone through the same thing as me gives me the strength to keep living my life. Thank you all for being my inspiration!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Rachel was the pretty one

I have a VERY fertile family. For instance, I was conceived while my mom was on birth control and my brother was conceived while she was using a condom. The same goes for most of my family.

Anyway, I have been waited for this day to come, hoping it wouldn't but waiting non-the-less. My younger cousin and his wife started trying for a baby about the same time we did. They got pregnant their first month and had a healthy baby girl. Today, one year and a half later, I got on Facebook and read the announcement that they are pregnant again.

I've been lapped.

I actually handled it better than I thought. I felt the hysteria right on the brink of coming out. Instead I took some deep breaths and texted my sister. This was her text back to me:

"I'm sorry baby, you're time will come. Remember the story of Rachel and Leah in the Bible. Rachel's time came long after Leah's. And Rachel was the pretty one! :)"

I love that girl. She always know how to make me smile!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Liar, Liar...




Pants on Fire!



Last post I promised a week full of blogging. I had big ambitions for wonderful posts that would make you cry, laugh, and pee your pants all at the same time. Ha! Well both you and I should have known better. I ALWAYS have plans for this blogs that I almost never follow through with.

Here are my excuses:


**
Last Monday when I intended on getting my blog back on I started my period. So I spent both Monday and Tuesday wallowing in my own misery.

**I used to do all of my blog reading and writing at work. Since I'm not even supposed to be on the Internet at work, much less blogging, I have been trying really hard not to. That means that I have to do all of my blogging, facebooking, and reading at the end of the day. After I work, go to the gym, walk the dog, shower and cook dinner. Sometimes I am just plain tired.

**Wednesday and Thursday hubs had two days off in a row. Not only do we work opposite shifts but lately he has been working 6 days a week. So heck yeah I didn't go to the gym or even open the computer!

**Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were busy with I don't even know what. I know I saw Harry Potter on Saturday. It was good, not necessarily great, but entertaining and good.

**Yesterday I was just plain tired! (not much of an excuse but hey, just go with it!)


So, with that said I have had the greatest intentions. Just been very busy/lazy. I have even started drafts with my post ideas so that I will remember them.


*****Big thank you to Lauren for emailing me to check up on me! Makes me feel very loved! Thanks girl!****

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Long time no see!

Hey yall! Sorry it's been so long... I just needed some time to get my shit together. AF is officially here as of today. Next cycle will be au natural again since the whole money saving thing seems to be going pain stakingly slow.

Anyway, I plan on trying to be a much better blogger this coming week. I have a few ideas for posts, so we'll see how they pan out.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."
Jeremiah 29:11



Dear Lord,
I know that You have plans me, great plans. Please help me to be patient until You do show them to me.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

BFN

Don't really feel like talking about it.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

So this evening I received a email from someone I've never met. As far as I know, she isn't even a member of the "blogosphere". Her email not only warmed my heart but it also made my day. I thought I share part of it with yall...



"I just came across your blog when I was looking for information on trying to conceive combined with praying.


Of course I wish you and your husband that best of luck and I do believe that God has an ultimate plan for all of us. A baby will be yours and I will pray for you.

I am 31 and we have planned our lives much differently than you but honestly...I am happy to see that you are TTC at this time in your life. I am not sure waiting is always the best idea. Some women I know have waited themselves out of the game. Other women I know have kids at the thought of having sex. And here we are, educated and also TTC. Babies don't know about check books.

What does a baby really need? Love - loving caring parents, food, shelter and some clothes. However, our society has become obsessed with material things and have forgotten what it means to be loving, as parents, as neighbors and friends. I think a child raised in a happy home is the best commitment we can make to society. So I wish you the best. ..."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Murphy's Law

The phrase, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong" pretty much sums up Murphy's Law. You know when you have those days where you wake up late, car won't start, your late to work, and your boss screams at you all day? Yeah, that's Murphy's Law.

I pretty much feel like that's my life right now. At least the TTC part of my life and we all know that part takes over all the other parts. The only thing that has gotten me through is God. I have had to realize that I can't control my life, only He can.

I would like to start off by saying that neither my husband or I have degrees. We are blue-collar working people. This has been our choice. We are not by any means well off but we do well for ourselves. We pay all of our bills, are paying off our debt, and still have money to eat, buy clothing, and do fun things. Our money is planned out every paycheck and once it's gone, it's gone. With that said...

The original plan for these coming cycles was to take a month off, save as much as possible and put the rest of the costs of an IUI on the credit card. During that month, though, we decided that would be a irresponsible thing to do. The new plan was to wait until we had the full $1,000 saved so we could pay for the IUI in cash. I felt really good about that decision. We were able to put $300 away in the first week because of hubs' bonus.

It's in His hands, in his Hands, He has a plan, He has a plan

On the 2nd of this month, we got a letter from the apartment complex saying that the carpet from the old apartment had to be completely replaced. This didn't come as much of a surprise to because I live with a man who thinks it's okay to wear dirty, greasy restaurant shoes in the house. Anyway, back to the letter... The letter stated that we had until the 15th to pay $500 in full or we would be evicted. Seriously? 2 weeks and then evicted?

It's in His hands, It's in His hands, He has a plan, He has a plan

So, we scrambled. Luckily we had the $300 because otherwise we would not have made it. We had enough money to pay our bills, buy some groceries, put gas in the cars and pay the bill for the carpet. That put us that much farther from doing another IUI. It sucked but we dealt.

It's in His hands, It's in His hands, He has a plan, He has a plan

At the end of last week Hub's truck started shaking so hard it was almost undrivable. Of course. We took it to the mechanic and dealt with only having one car for a few days. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Only another $500.

It's in His hands, It's in His hands, He has a plan, He has a plan

I'm not gonna lie, I'm having a hard time. I feel like this is never going to happen. I feel like we are never going to get pregnant. I'm struggling with depression. I'm defiantly not pulling my own weight around the apartment. My productivity at work is suffering. I'm trying, I really am it's just so hard. The only thing that has kept me from really losing it is repeating to myself over and over,
"It's in His hands, It's in His hands. He has a plan, He has a plan."

Monday, July 6, 2009

Fourth of July Festivities

This 4th was a blast! All the family met up at my aunt and uncle's house. Normally we would do fireworks ourselves but because of the drought there was a ban on them. We ended up at their neighbor's pool after a bar-b-q. Afterwards we were all tired, so we crowded into the living room and watched a movie while eating popcorn and ice cream. Here are a few pics:

My "little" sister jumping off of my Uncle's shoulders


Ethan, my cousin, had to try it too!


He's such a cutie!

Finally, yours truly and my mom

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Toilet Conversation

While I was washing my hands in the bathroom today, the girl from the cleaning company was cleaning the toilets. She usually has her iPod on but always gives a smile and says hi. Anyway, I smiled and she started talking. Here's how the conversation went:

her: So, do you have kids?

me: (smiling) Nope, just me and my husband. You?

her: Yeah, I have two.

me: Oh yeah? How old are they?

her: One is 2 and one is 10 months.

me: (smile getting tighter) awww....

her: So why don't you have kids? Just don't want them? Not your thing?

me: No, just don't have any yet...

her: You know, some people just don't like kids... blah, blah, blah...

me: (interrupting) Okayyyyyy... well see you later.

Yeah, cause you know the only reason someone wouldn't have kids is cause they don't like them.... and why the freak is it any one's business anyway?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My body never ceases to surprise me!

***TMI alert!***

I had been doing so good. I didn't even know what CD I was. I have been working really hard at coming to terms with the fact that this just isn't going to happen anytime soon. I have been really praying for God to help me realize that this is all going to happen in HIS time, not mine.

Before I start, let me remind you the I have PCOS, I don't ovulate on my own, and I am not taking any meds this cycle.

Saturday, when I went to the bathroom I had a little EWCM. No biggie, sometimes I get it at random times. However, I never have more than something so small it has to be searched for. Sunday I had a pretty large amount compared to what I am used to. Then I started wondering. Yesterday when I went pee I had the biggest amount of EWCM I have EVER seen. We are talking like the size of a bouncy ball and with a stretch of like 2 inches! Of course, I immediately got on Fertility Friend and found out I was on CD12. When I got home I took the very last OPK I had with pee that was only 2 hours concentrated. I got the faintest of lines.

So, my questions are these:

**I seem to remember reading somewhere that PCOS can cause you to get false positives/lines on OPKs but I can't remember where. Has anyone else ever heard of this?

**Should I go out and buy more OPKs? I go back and forth between this one. I would love to actually know for sure what's going on but I hate to spend the money on them (we are trying to save everything we can). I kind of feel like it doesn't really matter at this point... ?

I'm trying really hard to not get my hopes up. I really want to be able to hand as much of this over to God as I can. It's just getting to be too much to handle on my own! With that said, I'm pretty excited about the possibility of Oing on my own!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

So a lot has happened since I posted last. Hubby and I have done a lot of talking and have decided to wait until we have the money saved up to do another IUI. Honestly it is killing me but we really don't have any other. I've been doing pretty good considering. Of course I have my moments, though, when I just want to never get out of bed.

This evening is not so great. I feel like everyone and their mother is pregnant. Two of my cousins are pregnant. One family friend is pregnant. Five women at church are pregnant and about another five at work. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it happening to everyone but me.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Started my period today, told hubs that I needed to call RE to report CD1, hubs told me that he doesn't want to do fertility treatments anymore bc we cannot afford it. Had a emotional breakdown at work, took anti-anxiety medication, and now feel numb.

This week's happenings (Part Uno)

I have a lot to say so I think I am going to split it into two posts. One TTC related and one for everything else. I will try and type up the TTC on my lunch break

  • We are officially all moved into the new apartment. It was crazy but we did it! Since we didn't have much time to give notice to the cable/Internet company we won't have either until Saturday, which sucks. I never realized how addicted I am to both until now.
  • I mentioned early that I plan on getting new pillows for the new couch (which gets delivered on Sat!) since the ones that come with it are butt-ugly. I have been looking online and also found a small rug I like. Here is what is in the running so far:















  • I also like these pillows:

  • The working out everyday was going really well. I had lost 3.5 lbs in a week in a half. Notice how I said "was". I got sick with a virus/cold and just haven't been able to kick it, so I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday. I have every intention of continuing but I can't afford to miss work so I am trying to keep from making the sickness worse.
  • I seem to be doing a lot of bullet style posts lately. I kind of feel like that is because that's the way my brain is working lately. Nothing real fluid going on up there.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Moving Disaster

I haven't been doing so hot at posting or commenting lately, have I? Sorry about that. It seems like lately I just don't have much to say.

A while back hubs and I decided that when our lease was up on our current apartment we would move down to a 1 bedroom (from a 2) to save money. When we signed the lease on this apartment, we were so sure that we would be pregnant by the time that we moved in so we got a 2 bedroom. Well, here we are a year later with no baby, no baby-belly, and no 2 cute pink lines. So we downsizing. It's actually kind of depressing when you think about it like that. I am trying real hard to think of it as just saving money. If by some miracle we get pregnant in the next year we can always renew our lease at the same complex and get a 2 bedroom.

Anyway, some how between hubs and I, and the complex people we got our move in dates mixed up twice. We were under the impression that we would be moving into the new place on Friday, the 19th. In fact, that is what our paper says. When we went to sign the papers this morning, we were informed that we are actually scheduled to move in on MONDAY the 15th! This wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't for the fact that we hadn't started packing until today. Oh yeah, and the fact that we both have jobs!!!! Luckily, hubs is off on Monday, so he will either be moving every thing by himself, or I will have to call into work. We would ask friends to help but it is super late notice and well, everyone else has to work too. At this point, we don't have much of a plan except to pack all weekend like mad.

Off topic here but I have been sick since Wednesday night. Worst sore throat ever, body aches, and fever. I went to the doctor on Thursday just to make sure it wasn't strep, which it isn't (thank you!), just a virus. The fever is gone and my throat is starting to feel better but now I have more cold-like symptoms, cough, runny nose, exhaustion. I am really tired of being sick... it's kind of hard to move when you are hacking up a lung.

Hope everyone is have a good weekend!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Mish-Mash

Dang, it's been a long time since I've posted! I dunno, I haven't really been that busy, just tired. I have so much to catch up on I'm just gonna do a bullet post.

  • Last week Hubs and I took the week off together for our 2nd anniversary. Since our work schedules are so different, having that much time together was a present in and of itself. We were originally going to head to the beach for a few days but really couldn't justify it since we just made a big purchase (more on that below). We ended up just hanging out at home and by the pool together. It was wonderful!
  • Two weekends ago, we FINALLY bought a couch!!!!!!!!!!!! Woot woot! We also splurged and got a chair too. The pictures really don't do them justice and I HATE the pillows....






















  • I started OPKs on CD13 and was getting negatives that never got darker or lighter. I was sure that I missed my surge but decided to go ahead and use my very last OPK yesterday evening (CD17) and got a positive!
  • I have been trying to get myself to the gym for a while now and it just hasn't happened. Well, I weighed myself the other day and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I'm at a weight that I have always told myself I would never get to. I was talking to a lady at work about it and she suggested that we go to the gym together after work. Today was the third day in a row that we did it. I'm hoping that it will work better since I have someone to be accountable to. I am tired and sore all over but feeling pretty proud of myself! :)
  • I think there was more I had planned on saying but I can't remember....

















Friday, May 22, 2009

Infertility-Brain

****Edit: I meant to save this post for tomorrow but hit the wrong button... I was gonna delete it but it's already on your go.og.le .read.er so what the heck?****



My last post got me thinking about something. We've all heard of "pregnancy-brain", right? I always hear moms-to-be complaining about how they can't ever remember anything, how scatterbrained they are, or how they feel like they are walking around in a fog. Some scientist thinks it a myth, just an old wives tale but some are starting to consider the fact that it very well may be a truth.

I, personally, think it's very believable. I would imagine that having all of those new hormones in your body probably does do something to the brain. Not to mention, knowing that your world will be completely changing in a few months. I'm sure that constantly thinking about that one thing doesn't leave a lot of room for much else.

The thing is, I keep thinking I have pregnancy-brain (you know, minus the whole pregnancy part). I'm forgetfull, scatterbrained, and have a one track mind. The only thing I ever think about is TTC. I take hormones that make me act crazy, emotional, and stupid.

For instance, sometimes I will be driving home from work and thinking about what CD I am on and when I will O when I suddenly realize that I passed the exit I need to take 2 exits back. Scary, I know. Or the time that hubs took my car to the shop for me. While I was at work, the mechanic called to tell me it was ready so I had my mom drive me to hub's work since I didn't have a key. I waited and waited for him to get done with what he was doing. Finally I asked him for his key. His response: "Why don't you just use your's?" DUH! HE dropped the car off, NOT me! In fact, I had been holding my car key in my hand all along. Oh and guess what I happened to be thinking about? That's right, whether or not I was pregnant.

Sounds a lot like pregnancy-brain to me! Since I'm not pregnant, I think I'll call it "Infertility-brain"! (Or IF-brain, if you want to shorten it :) Anyone else suffering from this condition?

Did I screw it up?!?

You know how when you are TTC you think about your fertility every moment of every day? Yeah, well, by some miracle I didn't for the past two days. I had planned on picking my Clomid up from the pharmacy on Wednesday since I needed to start it on Thursday. I don't know what happened, I guess I just forgot, but I didn't give it another thought. So yesterday, on my way home from work I was moving from stuff from the passenger seat of my car when my instruction sheet from the RE fell to the floor. I instantly freaked, cause yeah I was supposed to start it that day! I calmed down though, cause duh! I can take it before I go to bed. Fast forward to late last night when I fell asleep on the couch. I finally woke up just long enough to drag myself to bed. I NEVER TOOK MY PILLS!!!! I can't believe I forgot this! I mean, really, how do I forget something that I think about every waking moment?!?

I took it this morning... I don't *think* it will mess me up... Thoughts?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Money Question

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how long hubby and I will financially be able to continue TTC with medical intervention. We make enough money to support ourselves but that's pretty much it.
So, my question is this: How did you pay/are you paying/are you going to pay for your fertility treatments?
This is purely for my own curiosity. I know that finances are a private subject so feel free to answer anonymously, email me or not answer at all.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Couple of things...

First of all AF is finally, finally here! I was starting to get worried. Although I am happy to see her, I feel like crappity-crap. Saturday I slept pretty much the entire day. So much so that I figured I must be getting sick but turns out it was the hag. I plan on laying low for the rest of the weekend.

Friday, hubby and I, got the pleasure of spending the afternoon and evening with this little man:



This five year old cutie is hubby's little brother. They went swimming, went out to eat, played with Jade, went grocery shopping.... Other than a few potty accidents and several clothing and underwear changes everything went great. Needless to say hubs was exhausted by the time it was time to go home. It really warmed my heart to see the two of them together. Hubby is going to be an amazing father.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Sista-Hood!

My sista-girl, Lucky Jones, gave me this award...




You should check out her blog! Not only is she crazy creative but she's a pretty cool chick too! I love that girl!

Here are the guidelines for this award:

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.
2) Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
3) Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
4) Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate:

  • Morgan
  • Steph O.
  • Christine
  • Lila
  • Teresa
  • Ashley (AJ48)
  • Lauren
  • T
  • Emmy
  • Lynn Page

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Provera can suck it

I have always been a very hormonal and emotional person. I cry, a lot. So when I add artificial hormones to that the result is not very pretty. I'm on my fourth day of Provera and I want to scream, punch, cry and kick all at the same time. Everyone I work with is pissing me off. I'm tired my supervisor and lead playing favorites. I'm tired of their favorites treating me like they are better than or above me in some way. I want so badly to tell them all how sick I am of them and walk out of this place. Instead, I will continue to sit here, take the crap and hold back the tears. Gotta have a job right?

The side effects don't end there though! Oh no! My feet look like the little balloons with toes. Water retention? Check! I have enough gas to power an 18 wheeler across the country. (I maybe be exaggerating a little) This is a sure sign for me that AF is on her way and she is gearing up to be a bitch. I'm so excited.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Mother's Day Sucks!

Morning yall!


So I POAS this morning, BFN. I'm going to call this morning to get
the Provera. It's just so weird because I keep thinking that AF will
be here any minute now. My boobs are killing me, my face is broken
out and I'm exhausted but since I've been like this for a week, I
guess it's just a fluke.

This morning I got to work and found a pink rose and a card on my
desk. Turns out one of the older ladies I work with brought all the
moms on our team a rose and mother's day card. For some reason she
thought that I had two babies. Ouch. I gave my mom the rose cause I
just couldn't stand to look at it without crying. Hopefully the rest
of the day will go better.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My old Journal Part 2

For today's journal entry I'm going to give you a few excerpts from a few posts...

Dear Journal,
Today was great! There's this new guy in my English, Math and Social Studies class. He's so so cute! All the girls like him, I can tell. (I think he knows it too)....


Dear Journal,
I stayed home from school today. I feel awful, but of course me and mom got into a fight. School's going fine. Right now there's not really anybody at church or school that I like. .... Mom says I might start my period sometime soon. I can't wait!! If I find anybody reading this I'm going to be very mad!


Dear Journal,
I don't like that new guy anymore. There's this really cute guy in most of my classes, his name is Mark! But I still like Leonardo DiCaprio the best!...


Dear Journal,
I still haven't gotten my period yet. Mom won't let me shave in the shower, either!


Dear Journal,
Wuz up? Today is Megan's B-Day. We went to Chuckie-Cheese for it. There were a bunch of really cute guys there and one that looked about my age smiled at me! Ahh!...

My body is screwing with me

I can't figure out what is going on with my body! (what else is new?) Still no AF but I am having some PMS symptoms. Since I can't seem to figure it out maybe yall can help me? Here a timeline of what's been up:

02/26-03/03: Normal AF

03/14: IUI

03/17-03/30: Prometrium

03/28: Negative Beta

04/02-04/03: light spotting, no full AF. My RN wasn't sure what to make of this. She said that it could very well be just a light AF and could start me on Provera if I wanted. Since I knew I was going to be taking a break we decided to just see what happened.

05/02: BFN

I know that it is more than likely just an annovulatory cycle but the thing is that every other time I have had them AF has been longer than 2 days.
I need to just bite the bullet and make the call for Provera don't I?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

My old Journal

The other day I was looking for a book to read when I found my old journal from my preteen/early teenage years.. Reading it, I realized that I was probably the worst journal-er ever. I would write for two days and skip 6 months. Some of the entries are pretty funny so I am going to share some with you over the next few days! :)

"Dear Journal,
I'm writing kind of early because I have something on my mind. Mom says that by the time school starts I'll start shaving my underarms! Heather and Megan (
little sisters) are growing boobs faster than me! But I'm getting pretty big!!" ...

Classic 12 year old girl isn't it?

Monday, May 4, 2009

  • I am thinking REALLY want a photoshop program for my laptop... anyone have any recommendations?


  • Hubs and I went to see the new X-Men movie on Saturday. We are both huge X-Men fans so we both loved it. Soo many cute guys in it!


  • Friday night we went to the Kenny Chesney concert. Lady Antebellum was one of the openers and hubby got to meet Hillary! He thinks she is super hot so that made his week!


  • Still no AF... The nurse never called me back on Saturday. I haven't called back yet because I think I am going to wait a few more days. Our anniversary is at the end of the month and we are talking about going to the coast. I don't want to be starting AF then so I think I'll just push it back. Who knows though, by the end of the day I may be ready to get this started.... :)

  • Didn't do to much on Sunday, just church, errands, and a nap.


  • My "little" brother Nick competed in the Texas Fight Fest 11 on Saturday night! He does MMA. Anyway, he won and I am so proud! He now holds both the Cruiserweight Champion title and the Middleweight Champion title for TAMMA (Texas Ameture Mixed Martial Arts)!



***Sorry the pic is so big... can't figure out how to make it smaller...

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Why do I do this to myself?

So I POAS this morning and got a BFN of course. The funny thing is that I had convinced myself that I was pg. I have been exhausted all the time and for the past two days I have been nauseous all the time, except when I'm eating. I guess I either a) have a stomach bug or b) am having some weird PMS symptom. It's funny to me that I can convince myself that I could get pg on a "break cycle". I mean, I know I have PCOS, I know I don't ovulate on my own!

I called the RE this morning (they are open on Sat) but haven't heard back yet. I'm assuming that they will want to start me on Provera since I never really got a full AF last cycle, just spotting. I took Provera once before and had a hell of a time. It made me so depressed that I was having a hard time functioning. By far, it was the worst period I had ever had. Because of that I will probably wait until Monday to start taking just to give AF a few more days to start on her own. Dang I hate this.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

8x8

I was tagged by Morgan, thanks chica!

8x8

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:
~Becoming a mom
~The weekend
~The Kenny Chesney concert
~Going to my brother's MMA fight
~Going to bed... I'm exhausted these days...
~Going somewhere for my anniversary
~Someday buying a house
~Getting out of work today
8 Things I Did Yesterday:
~went to work
~went to the gym with hubs
~took Jade for a walk
~watched TV
~tried to convince hubs that I had the Swine Flu so he wouldn't want to "do it".... like I said, I'm tired!
~ate Ramen Noodles
~flat ironed my hair
~nodded off at work :)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
~have a nap time at work
~get pregnant
~loose weight (ha, doesn't everyone?)
~dance... I'm a white girl :(
~get a better job
~sing
~eat everything I want and not gain a pound
~learn to become an awesome cook

8 Shows I Watch:
~Grey's Anatomy
~Criminal Minds
~Big Bang Theory
~How I Met Your Mother
~The Office
~Private Practice
~Kath & Kim

8 Favorite Fruits:
~Watermelon
~Honeydew Melon
~Cantaloupe
~grapes
~Kiwi
~Pineapple
~Papaya but only if it's dried
~Oranges

8 Places I'd Like to Travel:
~New York
~Alaska (where I was born!)
~Hawaii
~Africa
~Australia
~Scotland
~Brazil
~New Zealand

8 people I'm tagging:
~Not gonna tag you... if you want it, come get it! :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Zombie Chicks


Ashley over at Baby Steps... gave me this awesome Zombie Chicken Award! She is so sweet! She is getting starting her first IVF cycle and has defiantly exuded the characteristics to deserve this award! Thanks Ashley!


"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…"



Now for my tags:

1. Emmy is one of my newest bloggy buddies. She has been through some really tough things lately and has kept a positive attitude through it all!

2. Even though Chele is no longer TTC she still sticks around to encourage, empathize and cheer us TTCers on. I know it's got to be hard...

3. Like, Chele, Candi is always there for support even though her life has taken a different direction! Fair warning... her blog is addicting!

4. I love reading Junebug's posts! She is super smart and pretty much always positive!

5. Finally, Lynn. I have always had a soft place in my heart for step-moms since my mom was one to my siblings. I know how hard it can be and I love reading about how much Lynn loves her two little ones!

Weekend Rap-Up!

  • The blogosphere has been busy! I was gone for 4 days and came back to 88 unread posts in my reader! Which actually, made my morning, I love reading yall's posts.
  • My "little" brother's wedding was this past Friday evening. I took both Thurs. and Fri. off in order to help out. By Friday night I was exhausted! Weddings are a lot of work!
  • Not only did I sleep in until 11am on Saturday but I also took a 2 hour nap that afternoon.
  • I'm so proud of my hubby! He was told Friday that he has officially been put on the bonus program at work! This is a huge accomplishment! No other manager there has gotten on it so fast! He will get 1% of the weekly revenue, which doesn't seem like much but it adds up!
  • Went to a new "life group" for church last night. We are trying a new thing were we mix the "young singles" and the "young marrieds" a few times a month. I have been feeling torn between the two lately so I really enjoyed it!
  • Hubby and I have decided finally decided what our "course of action" will be this next cycle. We will be doing just Clomid with timed BD. While this break has been really good and relaxing I'm itching to get started again. I'll wait till the end of the week and if AF hasn't shown by then I will call the RE. I'm praying that she will show on her own... my last experience with Provera was not pretty, not pretty at all.
  • I have to leave my house at 8am in order to make it to work at 8:30am. This morning I woke up at 7 freakin' 50! Amazingly enough I made it here on time, I just look like crap!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Pain

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more." ---Me.redith Grey, Gre.ys Ana.to.my


Today has been rough for no good reason at all. I woke up in a bad mood and it has followed me throughout the day. I don't want to talk to or be around anyone. The smallest annoyances make me want to punch somebody in the face. I just need to go home and go to bed because I am exhausted. Sure I went to bed a little late the past two nights but not late enough to make me feel like this. Therefore, I think I am PMSing and that just makes it worse. It doesn't make it worse because I don't want AF to show, because I would gladly welcome some sign of normalcy. It makes my mood worse because that means that we (I) need to make a decision about what we are going to do this next cycle.

ugh

I would LOVE to do another IUI, but we are talking about $1,000 that we just don't have. In fact, I don't see us having that anywhere in the near future. We do have two credit cards that we could put it on put hubby is pretty adamantly against that.



I guess that we could do a Clomid cycle, which would just cost us the price of one u/s and the medication. My worry with that is whether or not we are just wasting time. I tried Femara for 4 months. We know that it worked, we know that I ovulated on it. Why should Clomid be any different? Too bad I can't get pregnant the old fashioned way like everyone else. Too bad I have freakin' PCOS. Too bad I'm fat and can't loose weight. I hate it. I hate all of it.

Yup, I think I will just go home and go to bed. I was supposed to go shopping to find something to wear to my brother's wedding, which is on Friday but I say F*ck it. I just wear my pajamas.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

ABC's

*****Going to Nickelback tonight!!!*****

I was originally going to make my next post about my depressing weekend but decided that since I am over it (for now) there is no point in getting myself all worked up again just to post it. Since I don't have anything else going on I got this from Lynn and Chele's blog. I'm not gonna tag anyone either, just copy it if you wanna!
A - Age: 23
B - Bed: Pretty much my favorite place in the world!
C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the tub
D- Dogs: Only the best one ever!
E - Essential start your day item: Toothbrush
F - Favorite color: Pink and Orange
G - Gold or Silver: Def. Silver
H - Height: 5'8''
I - Instruments you play: Played the flute in middle and high school
J- Job title: Mortgage Data Entry Processor
K- Kids: none................................................................................. YET!
L - Living arrangements: In an apartment with hubs and Jade
M - Mom's name: Elaine
N - Nicknames: CoCo, Coley, Baby cakes
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: too many to count! (had major back surgery and bad asthma as a teenager)
P - Pet Peeve: rumbled bed sheets- they always have to be straight and tucked in!
Q - Movie Quote: "Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives... I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this." -Yzma from the Emperor's New Groove (my brothers and sisters and I can watch this over and over and never stop laughing)
R - Right or left handed: Rightie
S - Siblings: Two brothers, 21 & 17, and two sisters, 21 & 19
T - Time you wake up: 6:30 am
U - Underwear: yeppers, bikini preferably
V - Vegetable you dislike: Lima beans
W - Why Not: Duh, cause they taste like dirt!
X - X-rays you've had: both wrists, back, both ankles, lungs, sinuses, uterus, toes, fingers, neck, right hip.... that's a lot huh?
Y - Yummy food you make: homemade chocolate cake
Z - Zoo favorite: I have only every been to the San Antonio Zoo

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Change

It's been kind of a rough weekend which I will post about later when it's not 10:45 at night. For now I wanted to share my "theme song" recently. I will admit that I have always been a Taylor Swift fan but the song "Change" has really resonated with me recently. I can listen to it when I am happy and feel inspired, and I can listen to it when I am down and feel a glimmer of hope. It makes me have goose bumps every time.

I was going to post the video but I can't figure out how so I will just post the lyrics but if you want look it up... cause just reading really doesn't do it justice.



"Change" Taylor Swift

And it's a sad picture
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets
What you wanted again
You know it's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history
And you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through
Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

So we've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight
When the fight ain't fair

We're getting stronger now
Found things they never found
They might be bigger
But we're faster and never scared

You can walk away
Say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes
Says we can beat this
'Cause these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
Fight for what we've worked for
All these years
The battle was long
It was the fight of our lives
But we'll stand up, champions tonight
It was the night things changed

Can you see it now?
The walls that they put up
To hold us back
Fell down
It's a revolution
Throw your hands up
'Cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah
We sang hallelujah
Hallelujah

Monday, April 6, 2009

Birthday Part 2

Our game of choice. If you haven't every played, you should, tons of fun!


My sister, Megan, and my mom


My little brother, Chris


My mom and her dog, Lillie


Hubby! I can't remember what he is laughing at...


My sister, Heather, and me


Hubs chowing on my B-day cake


This is an awful pic of me put it's so pretty of my sisters that I couldn't resist!



Hubs and I in a cake and taco induced coma!

Birthday Part 1

This past Thursday was my 23rd birthday, which we spent with my family. It was very relaxed which was just what I needed!

My sister, new sister-in-law, other sister, brother, mom and hubby (my other bro. had to work)


Me and the babes


My sis, Megan, being gross


The wonderful tacos Meg made us


I can't seem to take a picture and make a decent looking face at the same time. :/


Meg icing and decorating my cake (sorry about the sideways-ness, I'm too lazy to fix it)



The cake only lasted a few minutes b/c she iced it on a hot stove, which is sooo Megan.




Sadly, this was not posed....


Opening presents...




Megan and my new SIL, Holly

Hubs got me Season 4 of Grey's Anatomy on DVD! Yay!